I hadn’t been feeling very sexual since the diagnosis. Sex was the last thing on my mind actually. I felt defective and didn’t want to be touched.

Saturday night, I was getting and stoned off my ass (isn’t escapism grand?). called and wanted to come over. I let him, but told him I wasn’t in the mood for . He said that was okay. So anyways, we talked and smoked a bowl.

He told me that he wanted to see me because he was moving to Los Angeles soon. The movie he was working on (”Isolation”) was purchased and they wanted him to come out and start working on some other projects. I’m happy for him. His dreams are coming true.

I didn’t want to be a downer, but he could tell that something was wrong with me. I think he had expected me to be upset because he was moving. I finally told him about the diagnosis and he tried to comfort me for awhile, I thought it was really sweet.

I’ve known him since a few months after and I split up. I slept with him once and then avoided him for over a year. I ran into him when I went to for . Shortly after that we started having sex again. He’s become one of my best with benefites. I took a couple breaks from him because he would start mentioning the L-word or talk about wanting a relationship. Then after a few months I’d start having sex with him again. I wasn’t using him, per se, I just wasn’t interested in a relationship with him and let him know that several times. I’m very leary of getting emotionally involved with men these days.

After a couple hours, he started trying to seduce me. I wasn’t really responding to him. I really felt defective and that disgusted me to the point I absolutely did not want to have sex. That didn’t stop him from trying though.

We’ve been sleeping together for a long time so he knows how to get me in the mood. I tried to fight it at first, but eventually I gave in to his advances. At first, I wasn’t really into it and I’m sure he could tell, but he kept doing things to me and I thawed out. He kept reassuring me that I was still all woman etc and that he truly desires me.

The sex was great as usual. We did it several times. It felt even better because I was working off a lot of and receiving great pleasure. During one of the intermissions he was holding me and said, “Jen, I you so much.”

Fuck, talk about a moodbuster.

I’m cursed. The men I fall in love with don’t love me back (at least the way I want) and I can’t fall in love with the ones that love me.

He has told me that he loves me before and when he’d do that I’d avoid him for months. He sensed that it ruined the mood and he did what he could to rekindle it. After awhile I blew off what he said and we had sex a few more times.

We ended up having sex seven times and not those little five minute quickies either. Derek has always had lots of stamina, hell he’s outlasted me several times in the past. He usually won’t let himself cum… talk about self control, lol.

I fell asleep in his arms. I felt safe and loved. I wish I could fall in love with him. We have a lot in common, he loves me, he’s great in bed, he’s successful… but for some reason I just can’t. My heart is retarded.

Anyways, when we woke up we started having sex again. He let himself cum twice which I really liked. I always hated when he would keep himself from cumming at all. It made me feel like I wasn’t doing my job or something, lol.

We finally got out of bed about 4pm. I walked him out (like a true gentleman, lol) and he kissed me and told me that he loved me. I said it back. I wasn’t lying..

I love him as a friend.