I am officially an auntie as of 8am 8/28/06. McKayla Nicole was born a few days ago. She was 21 inches long and 7 1/2 lbs. I’m a very proud auntie and I’ve already taken a shitload of pics of her. I stayed at the hospital from 7:30am monday until the nurse kicked me out at 9pm. I held peanut (my nickname for her) more than my sister did. I rushed to the hospital as soon as I got off work yesterday and today to spend more time with her.

As soon as Peanut was born I took a few pics of her with my cell then I texted everyone in my phone that has a cell. I didn’t even pay attention to names and I still had Nick’s number stored so he got the msg too. I hadn’t talked to him since we broke up the second week of June. He started texting me right away and hasn’t stopped since.

My little sister went to the doctor today. They did an ultrasound to check on the baby and she is breech. Since she is Jess’ first baby they don’t want her to give birth naturally so they are going to do a c-section Monday morning at 7:30 am. Normally, I have to work on Mondays and I wouldn’t have been able to go, but the managers at DirecTV are compassionate and overrode the scheduling dept so I can be at the birth of my first niece. I really like that company. Cingular never would have let me do it. I would’ve had to call in and risk getting fired.

I feel a lot better today. I don’t know it it’s because of the cutting and bloodletting I did last night or if it’s because I’m going into a hypomanic episode. All I know is I felt completely sated after the bloodletting and cutting. Maybe because I hit a really good vein and bled about half a pint and then cut. I made 8 more cuts and most of them were longer than usual.

I missed the constant pain of cuts. When I walk, sit, stand… I feel the little twinge and discomfort and it feels good. I enjoy it. I used to get this feeling from piercings or tattoos, but I’m too broke to do either of those things right now, so I improvise

I cut again last night. Why can’t I control it anymore? The urges are too great to resist. I guess one of the triggers was reading past entries as I transferred them to livejournal yesterday, but I can’t blame that entirely because I had cut and bloodlet a few nights ago.

It’d be easier to stop if it didn’t help me. The pain… The blood…

Blood is warm and liquid like the tears that will not shed. Why is it so much easier to bleed than to cry? How sick is it that part of the reason I donate blood is because it makes me feel better? Not better about myself like it does most donors, but better because I am bleeding… releasing the emotions that I can’t cry away.

I know self injury is morbid and “wrong” but I enjoy it. It’s so therapeutic. The scars are getting harder and harder to hide. That’s why I started bloodletting, what is one small round hole compared to several inches long bright pink lines?

I went back to see my dr on the 14th. She upped my dosage of lamictal to 300mgs a day; took me off seroquel (thank goddess); and added 50-100mg of vistaril a night (for sleep and to reduce anxiety). She kept my wellbutrin at 300mg for now.

I slept really good last night. Hell, I slept almost 12 straight hours. It felt damn good too.

Currently, I am fighting my worst enemy - myself. I’m trying to get my priorities straight and quit sabatoging myself. It’s really hard though. I keep catching myself trying to lapse back into depression. I’ve been moody and I’ve been having to force myself to do basic things like showering, cleaning the apt, etc. I hate it.

I cut again… the cuts weren’t as long as usual, but they were deeper. I had to stop because my roomie came home, so I didn’t quite get it out of my system.

I hate what I’m doing and I really want to try to stop. I decided to start taking pics so I can look at them when I have the urge to cut - so maybe it will keep me from doing it.

For those of you who don’t already know it, I’m bipolar. That one scary word… that brings all kinds of crazy thoughts to your mind. I’m tired of this illness being stigmatized so much. Yeah it’s a mental illness, but it isn’t much different from depression (which is a socially acceptable and very common mental illness). There are different types of bipolar disorder, but the gist of it is the people with this affliction have episodes of moderate to extreme happiness (mania) as well as episodes of moderate to extreme sadness (depression). It is just as treatable as depression. I’m sick of being judged for being bipolar. It sure isn’t something I wanted or asked for, but it is a card I’ve been dealt. I struggle with it every second of every day. I will never be “cured,” but I’m being treated and doing a lot better.