I’m sick of being afraid (shit – terrified) of change and happiness. I’m scared to have happiness mostly because I’m more scared of losing it when I find it, so I keep it away – as far away as humanly possible – in hopes that whatever I don’t experience can’t hurt me. I’m so oblivious, in the long run it hurts worse. “Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure.” – Helen Keller

Maybe there is truth to the old adage, “tis better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.” When going through heartbreak(s) I thought that phrase was the most retarded thing I ever heard. Now, years later, I wouldn’t have traded those loves for anything in the world.

Still, I would have changed the outcome of my relationship with . I’m haunted with and bittersweet memories because of our . I don’t understand how one person can alter the rest of another person’s life so much. Sometimes, I go days, weeks, or months without thinking about him, but then there are times I think about him a lot. I wonder how he is doing; how Annika is; if he’s happy; if he’s forgiven me; if I’ve forgiven him; if he ever thinks about me; if he hates me; if he is indifferent to me; if part of him still loves me; if he ever told his wife the truth about us and how close he came to leaving her, I wonder… What if?!?

It’s been over 3 years and I still love him as much as I ever did – without the obsessed-in-love phase we went through.

What ifs can eat you alive from the inside out. I keep telling myself to stop looking behind and look ahead, but it is really difficult. Out of , regret, blind hopefulness and my heart-over-common-sense mindset, I stand frozen by indecisiveness – do I try to go back to how things used to be? – do I ignore the past and focus solely on my future? – or do I stay in the same spot indefinitely because I can’t make a damn decision (and stick with it)?

On this day..