Raymond and I were pretty much joined at the hip.

He was in school at Platt College and I worked at Ron’s during the day. After class he would come up to Ron’s and hang out until I got off work. We never got in trouble for him hanging out at my job so much because my mom was my boss.

After I would get off work we would go to Dorian’s to hang out. We would stay the night at Dorian’s several nights a week. The other nights we would crash at my mom’s house. He only went to his parent’s house to get clothes.

When we had been together for about 3 weeks we went to Brian’s (Layfield) birthday party. We ended up being the only ones there except for Brian and his girlfriend, Spanky.

I felt a bit awkward. I was in a room with my boyfriend, an ex boyfriend, and his girlfriend. There was a pissing contest about who knew me better between Brian and Raymond. I felt sorry for Brian’s girlfriend. She wasn’t really included much. I kept trying to talk to her so she didn’t feel so left out.

About a week and a half after Raymond and I officially became a couple we decided to take a roadtrip to Texas. It was labor day weekend so I had a couple days off work.

He picked me up from work after he dropped his car off at Felicia’s. She was going to use it while we were gone. He drove the whole way. We stopped and spent the night somewhere, I think it was Waco, but I don’t really remember.

The next morning we had to go to Killeen to pick up his Aunt Gabby because she was leaving her man. Once we got there I fidgeted for a bit in the car. I was nervous about meeting her, but she was really nice.

Later that night we went to his Uncle Joe’s club, Cody’s. It was huge. He introduced me to his uncle and step-aunt. We danced, watched a wet t-shirt contest, and couldn’t keep our hands off each other.

After the club closed, we helped Felicia clean up so we could get out of there quicker. I told her that Raymond and I were together. She was surprised that I had given up the playette life so quickly.

Felicia and a dude called Gizmo had gotten really flirty with each other. He went back to my mom’s house with the three of us. Everyone was asleep already.

Jess and I shared a room and she was asleep in our bed with our nephew, Jacob. David and mom were asleep in their beds. Raymond and I were more than ready for bed (but not to sleep )

Raymond picked David up and moved him to the couch so we could have his bed. When he came back I was already naked on the bed, waiting for him. As soon as he walked in I went to him and began kissing him hard while I was unbuttoning his shirt. I damn near ripped it open. I started licking his nipples (I LOVE nipples).

I slowly caressed my way down to the waistband of his jeans. I ran my fingertips over his happy trail and then moved my fingers across the front of his jeans. I felt him grow hard beneath my touch. I kissed my way back to his neck and then his lips while my fingers were unfastening his belt. Then I unbuttoned his jeans and slowly unzipped them.

When I got to work the morning after my first sexual experience with Raymond I was glowing and grinning like the cat that ate the canary.

I had killed two birds with one stone - I got revenge on Lisa and found someone I wouldn’t mind getting serious with.

The girls at work (mom, Dena, and Brandy) were being nosy as hell so I told them most of the details. They were happy for me finally having an orgasm. Dena was talking about baking me a cake to commemorate the day.

Raymond came to my job that day for lunch so the girls got to meet him. If he knew that I had kissed and told he probably would have been embarrassed and not as chummy with them.

That night we hung out at Dorian’s and Ray pleasured me again. The orgasm the night before wasn’t a fluke.

Before I knew it, Ray and I were making out. I wouldn’t have sex with him because we had just started ‘talking’ that day. While we were making out we laid down on Dorian’s bed. He began kissing my neck and then slowly moved downwards.

When he got to my navel he unbuttoned my jeans. I told him I wasn’t ready to have sex with him yet. He promised he wouldn’t go any farther than I wanted him to go. To give my hormones a minute to cool down I asked him to get me something to drink

Felicia and I didn’t go back to Dorian’s house for three or four days. When we finally went back it was during the day so no one was there except Dorian, Phyllis and her bf, Mikey.

They immediately began talking about the fight. I apologized for fighting on her property and I was worried that she was going to ban me, but she didn’t. She actually agreed with what I did. She said, ‘Don’t worry about it, sweetie. That girl deserved to have her skeezy ass kicked.’

Dorian told us that Lisa had come back over the night after the party and ended up fucking Raymond. What a slut!

I used to hold grudges big time back then. I wanted to beat her ass again or pay her back in some other way.

Dorian also told us that Lisa and Raymond were kind of together and that Ray had been staying at Lisa and her mom’s since the night after he fucked her.

One evening around the beginning of August ‘99 I was out running around with my best friend, Felicia, and my little brother, David.

David and I were living in Catoosa with our mom and sister, Jess. Felicia didn’t officially live with us, but she spent the night several times a week. Felicia was sixteen and I was twenty. We would go out partying all the time. Many of our weekends were spent at a Cabana (a club Felicia bartended at). I was always there with her when she worked. We had started hanging out when I came out of the six month depression I went through after losing 100lbs.

Felicia was very outgoing, friendly, funny, flirty, and of course, wild. She wore off on me. I started truly enjoying life for the first time in over three years.

I was dating eleven guys at the time. I was everything I ever wanted to be (personality-wise).

It’s unbelievable how one seemingly insignificant event can change the course of the rest of your life.

I’m at work, bored off my ass. I worked OT again last night. I sat in Raymond’s section (on purpose). I wonder why. At first, I acted completely oblivious to him, like I had no idea he was there. He kept trying to get my attention. Then he would come over and talk to me or smile, or toss a stick of gum, etc. I got the distinct impression that we was flirting with each other. When I was about to leave because my OT was finished he took his lunch break and wanted me to go outside with him. We talked a bit. He was mostly bitching about his gf, Sammy. There is still a spark between us. I don’t yearn for him and I’m not in love with him but in some weird way I’m drawn to him. It’s weird. For over a year I’ve barely given him a second thought, so why did that change all of a sudden. It doesn’t make much sense to me.

I’m sick of being afraid (shit - terrified) of change and happiness. I’m scared to have happiness mostly because I’m more scared of losing it when I find it, so I keep it away - as far away as humanly possible - in hopes that whatever I don’t experience can’t hurt me. I’m so oblivious, in the long run it hurts worse. “Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure.” - Helen Keller

Maybe there is truth to the old adage, “tis better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.” When going through heartbreak(s) I thought that phrase was the most retarded thing I ever heard. Now, years later, I wouldn’t have traded those loves for anything in the world.