Jun

8

Lucidity

Filed Under Bipolar Disorder, Events, Flashbacks, Thoughts | Leave a Comment

Can I count on to not judge me for some things I do sometimes? Could he help me through it? I need a close guy friend to confide in. I lost all my old ones during my depressive episodes because I would push them away or ignore them.

I’m starting to see a pattern. I’ve learned to expect every man that comes into my life will hurt me in some way then abandon me; use me and throw me away like a used tampon. I’m so scared of that that I make it happen… how fucked is that? Why do I constantly against myself?

Sitting here alone in a tank top I know something is seriously wrong with me. I’ve been trying to act like it’s no big deal… but it is!!! I see 4 of the worst bruises I’ve ever seen in my life. They are in the midst of 17 needle marks. I look like a fucking junkie. I’ve done this to myself over the past week. I can’t believe how quickly it’s escalated. Can I tell about this, or will it freak him out? Maybe I should just distance myself from him for a little while.

I always sit here and think horrible shit about myself. Then I start thinking about hurting myself. The pain makes me feel alive and the distraction from the other non-physical pain is welcome. I see what’s happening to me, but it’s like I’m a spectator and powerless to stop it.

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