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I feel…
Jun
9
What I need
Filed Under Bipolar Disorder, Thoughts | Leave a Comment
love
shelter
transportation
friends
fun
a reason to live
pay off my debts
intimacy
passion
self-acceptance
confidence
to feel wanted, needed and loved
emotional security
family
to loosen up
to stop setting myself up to get hurt
answers
balance my traits
Jun
9
What I want
Filed Under Bipolar Disorder, Thoughts | 2 Comments
love
security (physical, financial, emotional)
contentment
confidence
self-esteem
the ability to relax
to stop to caring about what people think about me
to say no without feeling guilty
to stop defeating myself
to let go of the bad things that have happened to me
to stop feeling disgust when I see myself
stop being emotionally distant
face my demons
accept myself
start writing again
success
stop judging myself so harshly
lower my expectations – I can’t be perfect
learn from my mistakes and stop repeating them
make my life count
stop hurting myself
Jun
8
Lucidity
Filed Under Bipolar Disorder, Events, Flashbacks, Thoughts | Leave a Comment
Can I count on Nick to not judge me for some things I do sometimes? Could he help me through it? I need a close guy friend to confide in. I lost all my old ones during my depressive episodes because I would push them away or ignore them.
I’m starting to see a pattern. I’ve learned to expect every man that comes into my life will hurt me in some way then abandon me; use me and throw me away like a used tampon. I’m so scared of that that I make it happen… how fucked is that? Why do I constantly work against myself?
Sitting here alone in a tank top I know something is seriously wrong with me. I’ve been trying to act like it’s no big deal… but it is!!! I see 4 of the worst bruises I’ve ever seen in my life. They are in the midst of 17 needle marks. I look like a fucking junkie. I’ve done this to myself over the past week. I can’t believe how quickly it’s escalated. Can I tell Nick about this, or will it freak him out? Maybe I should just distance myself from him for a little while.
I always sit here and think horrible shit about myself. Then I start thinking about hurting myself. The pain makes me feel alive and the distraction from the other non-physical pain is welcome. I see what’s happening to me, but it’s like I’m a spectator and powerless to stop it.
Jun
4
Things aren't going well with Nick
Filed Under Thoughts | Leave a Comment
Things aren’t going well with Nick. I can honestly say it isn’t my fault. I have never lied to him or blown him off but I can’t say the same for him. He’s been very distant and stuff since I accidentally texted him the msg I meant to send to Nikki that said “I think I’m gonna get rid of Nick today”. Damn, I felt like the biggest bitch in the world when he texted me back. I tried to apologize and explain myself and he said he forgave me a few days later, but he doesn’t really act like it.
Jun
3
Self-Hatred
Filed Under Bipolar Disorder, My Episodes, Self-Injury, Thoughts | 10 Comments
I see myself doing these crazy things like slicing my skin with razorblades or jamming piercing needles into my veins and watching the blood drain down the sink. I know these things are crazy, but I can’t stop.
