I’ve had an ephiphany. I have finally been released from the blissful stupor of denial, and it hurts all over again; just as it did in the hours, days, weeks, and months afterward. It amazes me how fresh the breakup with seems.

This realization was instigated by my for pushing away. I was searching within myself; trying to understand why I keep doing this to every man who comes into my life.


I have been fooling myself for the past 3 years; thinking that someday Erick would be mine once again. My romantically naive heart kept hope alive. The hope that what is meant to be is meant to last forever and even though circumstances may change temporarily things would go back to the way they were eventually. That we would find each other again and not let anything or anyone (especially me) rip us apart all over, but now I know that I was meant to lose Erick, just as I was meant to him.

I loved him completely; he became my reason to live; the center of the universe. I loved him with all I had and I know he loved me, no matter how briefly. There was something between us that cannot be described, only felt.

I always miss him this time of year because it is the anniversary of the disintegration of our relationship. We released each other 3 years ago and I still love him as much today as I did when we were happily together. I always will. That is how I know it was real and true.

He wasn’t my first love, but he is the love of my life. I never knew I was capable of loving one person so much. There is a void deep within me since he left my life. I lost my other half, my soulmate.

I loved him enough to let him go, but the pain, resentment, and I felt afterwards caused me to do some cruel and humiliating things to his reputation. Many say he deserved it, maybe he did, but I should’ve let it be.

I am filled with regret and despair because I caused our relationship to be unsalvagable, even if our love will go on, I doubt if he would forgive me for the embarrassment I caused him. Even if he does forgive me, thing can never be the same. I know he will never be a part of my life again, but I hope he is having a good life, filled with happiness.

The pain and regret I feel is so devitalizing at times that I I cannot draw my next breath and I long for the peaceful oblivion of . Despite that, the happiness and love I experienced is worth a thousand times the pain, no matter how vast it may be. In every great love story there is a tragic end, nothing lasts forever except eternity.

For the past 3 years I’ve kept my heart locked up so I couldn’t get hurt again. Why didn’t I understand doing that was hurting me worse? I’ve missed out on happiness because I could not see past my own pain and just my heart. I let the past stall my future. Now I realize how miserable I truly am. By not risking pain I sacrificed happiness and love.

I understand why I’ve been pushing men away every since the death of our life together. Deep in my soul I felt Erick and me would reconcile and live happily ever after, so I didn’t want to be attached to anyone else – that was part of it anyway. Another part is that I was terrified my heart would be ripped to shreds again. The last part is that I am unlovable, jaded, and slightly bitter.

I have just been using men for and when they would start getting too close I would push them away and move on to the next one. I wouldn’t allow anyone close enough to love me. I sabotaged everything in my undevised but icy manner. I made myself unattractive; I shut them out and distanced myself emotionally; I pushed them away by any means necessary and then when I succeeded my heart silently writhed in self-inflicted agony.

I cannot live that way any longer. It’s not living at all. It is merely existing. I know now that there is still love to be had and I will try to refrain from undermining it. I am far from perfect and it will take some time to accomplish, but I will stop sabatoging myself. I have to sift through everything; keep the good and release the bad; before I can truly be happy.

I will have to find some semblance of happiness with another, all the while knowing I will never know love like I did with Erick. I can only hope that it will be close.