I relapsed and started cutting again tonight. I did it even before I realized what exactly I was doing. It had been 4 months today since I last cut… even though then I tried to kill myself. I would like to die now. My life sucks ass. The only thing that keeps me going these days is , and Granny and .

I really thought #2 might be different from all the other assholes that I’ve been involved with in the past, but I was wrong… boy was I.

He plays all these fucking games that are driving me fucking crazy. I don’t know how much longer I can deal with it. It isn’t good for me at all… case in point… I started cutting again. I did it because I couldn’t cry, but I had to do something to get all these fucking emotions out. He makes me feel like shit, like I’m not good enough for him or something. No guy that I ever cared about made me feel like that, even Brian. I feel hideous and totally undesirable for the first time in my life and it is all because of him. I’ve never had a problem getting a man to have with me, but with him it doesn’t matter what I do, he doesn’t want me. I don’t get that. What is wrong with me?!? It makes me want to crawl under a rock and die.

How can he hold me in bed with us both naked and not get aroused. That is alien to me. Hell I’m starting to wonder if he can even get it up.

I have to tell him tomorrow he can’t stay here anymore. I can’t help him anymore because it is detrimental to my own and no motherfucker is worth that. If he doesn’t want me, fuck him. There are 1000 out there that would to take his place right now. I’m getting off this rollercoaster now, before I really hurt myself.