I started my period this morning, right on time. For the last two weeks I’d been worried that I was pregnant and somewhere along the line convinced myself I was. I got really used to the idea and began to hope it was true. Then last night I had a dream that I wasn’t pregnant and that it was not the right time for me to have a baby. I am saddened because of it. I wonder if I’ll ever be a mother.

It took me a very long time to get over my first . It was in January 2002. If it hadn’t been for I don’t think I would have gotten through it. I fell in with him during that time because he was there for me and before the miscarriage he had promised he would raise the baby as his own. That was what really made me fall for him.

The second miscarriage was in May 2003 a few weeks after Erick and I broke up. That baby was Erick’s. I wonder if he ever told his wife about that.

The third (and I pray last) miscarriage was in October 2004. That baby was ’s too. He was actually there for me during that one.

I know everything happens for a reason, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less.

Two weeks ago the last thing I wanted was a baby, but now, a baby is all I want. I was determined to wait at least five more years before I became a mother.

Now I want to hurry up and straighten up my life so I can be the best mother I can be. I guess that is the reason I’m not pregnant right now. I’m still a little sad about it. I’m scared to of having more miscarriages. That is one of the main reasons I haven’t tried to get pregnant.

On this day..