Ok, so quite a bit has happened over the last couple weeks.

Damn, every time I sit down to write, I have to go. Geez, I’m busier now that I don’t have a job than I was when I worked full-time. I have an appt in 30 mins, so I can’t really write despite the fact that I have so much I want to write about right now. I will try to not go out tonight so I can come back here after my appt and write.

Well, I ended up going out anyways and been busy again so I still haven’t gotten to update. So I will now.

In my last entry I was talking about Johnny and how I got my mojo back. Those things with Johnny happened Oct 28 & 29. I didn’t expect to see him again until the next weekend (Nov 4), but he came up to Cockleburz on 11/2. We talked some and he introduced me to his dad. His ex showed up, which was kinda weird. She was giving me the evil eye the whole time she was there. Johnny wanted to make sure I didn’t that we already had . I didn’t. I regretted that I was infatuated with him. I haven’t been infatuated with anyone in almost 3 years. So it’s pretty scary for me, especially since he has an ex that doesn’t want anyone else to have him. When he left that night I was certain things were over before they even really started.

The next day (11/3) came over and we hung out a for awhile, talked and watched movies and stuff. I was off . I don’t remember if I went to the bar or not.

11/4 I had to work, and it was a Friday… Johnny always goes to the bar on Fridays, so I expected him. I looked as good as I could, considering I was working in a hot kitchen. His dad came with him. The kitchen was really slow so I pretty much got to hang out and talk to them most of the night. His dad is really cool. I got . Johnny and his dad came over to my apt after the bar closed and we drank a little more and got high. They stayed until almost 6am and I had to be at work at 10am. It was fine though. The rest of that weekend is a blur. It was the anniversary of my sister’s so I stayed as or high as I could so I didn’t have to think about it.

11/8 I quit my job at the bar because this cunt bartender and because Dena was trying to make me work friday and saturday nights and I already had plans and also because I let my get the best of me and I wanted to avoid Johnny.

11/9 I had my first appointment with the shrink. It ran long. I like him though and I think he can help me. Afterwards I went to the bar to pick up from work and ended up hanging out and drinking with some of the regulars.

11/10 I went out with , , and Derek. We went to the Vegas club at first and hung out for like 4-5 hours. and Nick got into a big fight and there was a lot of drama. Then we went to Cockleburz. Robert (a regular) came over and started hitting on me. At first I just blew it off, but then he kept grabbing me and touching on me. It made me really uncomfortable. Nick and Derek was about to kick his ass, but I didn’t want them to fight so I went and told Joe (the bouncer) what Robert was doing, so he threw him out.

11/11 Me and Shawna was supposed to go out, but she was too tired from the night before so I went to Cockleburz by myself. Hell I know all the regulars up there, so I got drunk and had a good time with them. Johnny was already there when I got there. We talked quite a bit. Then we went out to my explorer and smoked a bowl. Chris got us high a little while later too. Then Johnny left because his friend Todd wanted him to go out with him. Johnny called me a few times after he left though.

11/12 Me and Shawna met up at Cockleburz. She had some new guy with her named Sean. I meant to hang out with them but there was so many people I knew at the bar that night that I was basically just table hopping. Johnny and his dad was there. As soon as Don (Johnny’s dad) saw me, he gave me a big hug. We get along really well. I ended up getting drunk and I didn’t mean to. Shawna and Sean left, so I was mainly chillin with Johnny and his dad. Around 1am Shawna called because she needed a ride. She was stranded at Sean’s hotel room. I was way too drunk to drive. Don knew something was up and asked me what was going on, I explained the situation to him and he offered to take me to pick up Shawna. So we picked her up and went back to the bar. It was about closing time by then, but Don, Johnny, and Mike still wanted to party. Escapades stays open until 4am so they went over there. They invited us, but Shawna didn’t wanna go so we stayed in Cockleburz after hours with Joe and we both kept drinking. When Escapades closed Johnny and them all came back over to Cockleburz. Johnny invited us to his dad’s house. We went. Shawna spent a lot of time on the phone talking to one of her guys. I was chillin with Mike, Johnny, Tim, and Don. Johnny was playing his guitar for me… which is such a damn turn on. It was acting wired and admitted to me that he was on crank. I hate that drug more than anything and Johnny’s rating drastically fell. Shawna and I left around 8am. We went back to her car at the Vegas club so she could get her phone charger and she realized she didn’t have her keys. We looked all in my car and the bar, but they weren’t there. She realized she had left them in Sean’s hotel room. So we had to go back there and wake him up. She got her keys and stole his bottle of xanex. Then we went to pick up her daughter from Ginger’s apartment. Then we stopped at Shawna’s house for some cigs. Then we went back to the Vegas club to get her car… then we finally went back to my apartment and went to sleep. We didn’t get there until after 10am.

Well, it’s Saturday night and I have to go get ready… write more later.

It’s still Saturday night and some things happened… but I need to tell the other things that happened between 11/13 and today before I get into this evening’s events…

11/13 Shawna and I slept off our drunkeness and realized that we are getting too old to stay out partying all night… but damn it’s a lot of . When we were out doing our running before we got back to my apt people gave us those knowing looks. We were still dressed in the clothes we had worn out the night before. What was left of our makeup was smeared and our hair was ruffled. We didn’t really care what anyone thought though. Fuck them. We had a good time. I can’t remember if I went to the bar after Shawna left or not.

11/14 I made 2 cock-shaped cakes for Amber’s birthday and made Johnny and Don a titty cake to show my appreciation for them driving my drunk ass to get Shawna and then letting us stay at their place until we sobered up. I took the cakes to the bar, but Amber wasn’t there. She had a really bad day and her party was postponed for the next night. I got drunk and waited for Tori to get off work. We went over to Johnny’s to drop the cake off. I only intended to stay a minute, but Don insisted that Tori and I hang out for awhile. We got there about 11pm and didn’t leave until after 6:30am. Johnny was being really cool and invited me back to the den. He started playing his guitar and singing to me and he earned back the points he had lost for using crank. I had talked with his dad about it and he told me Johnny rarely does it, so I was considering overlooking it. I felt good when I left. I felt like maybe something could work between Johnny and me.

11/15 Tori and I went to Amber’s birthday party. They had karoke. Tori got drunk and ended up singing 4 songs. We had fun. Derek came along too.

11/16 I had another shrink appt and when I went in there I was on top of the world. He was happy that things had gone so well over the previous week. He gave me an exercise… I’m supposed to tell myself how beautiful I am every time I pass a mirror or reflection. Sounds pretty cheesy, but I guess I’ll try it. I want to stop bringing myself down, so I’m willing to do whatever he tells me. Don was at the bar when I went to pick up Tori. We talked and he was telling me how Johnny’s ex has been slithering around alot lately because she knows Johnny was interested in someone else, so she’s fucking with his head… that’s his dad’s words, not mine. That was disappointing, but I let it go. I maintained hope that Johnny would realize what she was doing. Don invited me over. I hung out over there for awhile, then went to get some xanex for Don and myself. I went back to the bar because they had a band playing. I took the xanies to Don around midnight or so. Johnny was being distant.

11/17 They needed me to cover a shift at the bar, so I worked. Derek came up there to hang out with me for awhile, but they were slammed. He left after a couple hours. has been calling me alot lately. Him and Brandi really are getting a divorce. He just needs a sympathetic ear. It’s strange though. She’s done to him what he did to me… only worse. Part of me is happy because he got what he deserved, but the other part of me feels really bad for him. So I will be there for him. It’s a good thing I’m not in with him anymore or things could get really complicated…

11/18 I went to the bar around 11. Johnny wasn’t there, which was really odd since it was Friday night. I had only been there about 10 mins and I was talking to Brooke. Then this really hot dude walks in and sits down next to me and starts talking to me. He bought me a few shots of jager and before I knew it, I had invited him back to my place. His name is Jonny. I didn’t plan on doing anything with him because I was still spotting. We were sitting on the couch watching fight club and then we started making out hardcore. He is a great kisser. It’s been awhile since I’ve kissed a guy that could kiss that good. We got really comfortable with each other quick. I felt like I had known him forever. I ended up going down on him… something I very rarely, if ever, do. After awhile things got so hot and heavy we went to the bedroom. He didn’t care that I was still spotting. We had sex 3 times. He is a very good lover. I had lots of fun. :) I let him spend the night. About 8am he took me out to breakfast then we came back here and had sex again. Then we fell asleep in each other’s arms. Raymond had called twice and it annoyed Jonny.

11/19 Jonny left about 2 or so. I had to go pick tori up from work at 6. then we came back to the apt and got ready to go out. called and told me the newest with her saga. She wanted to stay the night so we went and picked her up. She’s only 17 but we took her in the bar with us. Johnny was there, but I didn’t see him at first. When I noticed him he was playing pool with some hot buffed guy. I went over there to say hi and stuff. He introduced me to his friend… surprise, surprise, his name is Johnnie. We were all bullshitting and stuff and then Johnny asked if the 3 of us could go back to my place. I gave my keys to Tori and and told them they could drive my explorer home because Johnny and Johnnie wanted me to ride with them. When we got to my apt Johnny automatically went to my bedroom just like he always does. The 3 of us were drinking and getting high. Johnnie grabbed my ass a few times. It made me uncomfortable because Johnny was in here, but I couldn’t deny that I was definitely attracted to Johnnie. When and Tori got back, went to bed. Tori came to my room and got high with us. Johnny wanted me to take another polaroid pic of him to see if the orbs were still there. So i did and they were. Then I took a pic of Tori to see if she had orbs around her. She did too and so did Johnnie, but only when the were taken in my room. Johnnie was messed up and he was like here take a picture of my dick… i was fucked up (and I wanted to see it) so I was like ok. Johnny and Tori turned the other way and Johnnie whipped it out. It wasn’t hard, but I could tell it was big. Then we watched a couple pornos from the computer. Shortly after that I heard Johnny telling Johnnie about how him and his ex are working things out. Then he was talking about how he lost his job and that was the real reason he had moved back in with his dad. So he had lied to me, then he said something about how he had been up tweeking for a few days.

Anyways, Johnny’s rating definitely plummeted and I realized it wouldn’t be wise to pursue him any further. When I first met Johnny I thought I wasn’t good enough for him, but now I realize he isn’t good enough for me. I still want to be with him though because he is cool and his dad is awesome.

On this day..