When I heard that, the first thought that came to mind was my razorblade slicing through my flesh. i wanted to bleed the disappointment away. then i retreated into my well-armored shell. willing him to leave me. at least i realized he is Mr. wrong before things got too deep this time. I’m making progress. perhaps i am finally learning not to ignore those little red flags. instinct (if you let it, is a wonderful thing). It will tell you what you need to know. it’s that little voice in the back of your mind and then you know. I’ve been ignoring my instincts for far too long and that is why things get so messed up.

I really think there is something in the apartment. those orbs… my nightmares… (the nightmares are getting so bad i’m scared to sleep more than a few hours at a time because i don’t want to dream.) the sudden urges to hurt myself… (cutting, scratching, burning)… well at least the thoughts aren’t as bad as they were a month or so ago. when i constantly was trying to plan how to kill myself. thinking of how to actually succeed the quickest. razors take too long because you slowly bleed to . pills hurt and can take as long as a couple weeks to , i don’t have a garage, it’s too cold to drown, all the tall buildings in town have bars on the windows, it’s hard to get a syringe without anyone knowing, driving into something could hurt someone else, i don’t want anyone to have to clean my brains up so that leaves the shotgun out…

Anyways, I am fighting those urges now. I’m not going to let them dominate anymore.

On this day..