I went to the bar about 30 mins before Tori was supposed to get off work. Don was there and we started talking. He told me about him and Johnny Paul getting into a fight and stuff. I was worried about him so I stopped by to check on him before Tori got off work. Johnnie (Jonathan) was there. We started drinking a few beers and watched some war movie. Johnnie wanted to come back to my place, but Johnny didn’t feel up to it. Tori called and I was saying my goodbyes to the guys and Johnnie asked if he could come hang out. I let him. We went and picked Tori up and then came back to the apartment. We were drinking and getting high and Johnnie started flirting with me hardcore. He’s built like a brick shithouse. I wanted him. I wanted him from the moment I laid eyes on him.

When I heard that, the first thought that came to mind was my razorblade slicing through my flesh. i wanted to bleed the disappointment away. then i retreated into my well-armored shell. willing him to leave me. at least i realized he is Mr. wrong before things got too deep this time. I’m making progress. perhaps i am finally learning not to ignore those little red flags. instinct (if you let it, is a wonderful thing). It will tell you what you need to know. it’s that little voice in the back of your mind and then you know. I’ve been ignoring my instincts for far too long and that is why things get so messed up.

Ok, so quite a bit has happened over the last couple weeks.

Damn, every time I sit down to write, I have to go. Geez, I’m busier now that I don’t have a job than I was when I worked full-time. I have an appt in 30 mins, so I can’t really write despite the fact that I have so much I want to write about right now. I will try to not go out tonight so I can come back here after my appt and write.

Well, I ended up going out anyways and been busy again so I still haven’t gotten to update. So I will now.

In my last entry I was talking about Johnny and how I got my mojo back. Those things with Johnny happened Oct 28 & 29. I didn’t expect to see him again until the next weekend (Nov 4), but he came up to Cockleburz on 11/2. We talked some and he introduced me to his dad. His ex showed up, which was kinda weird. She was giving me the evil eye the whole time she was there. Johnny wanted to make sure I didn’t regret that we already had sex. I didn’t. I regretted that I was infatuated with him. I haven’t been infatuated with anyone in almost 3 years. So it’s pretty scary for me, especially since he has an ex that doesn’t want anyone else to have him. When he left that night I was certain things were over before they even really started.

I decided when I woke up this afternoon that I am not leaving the apartment today… it seems like every time I leave I meet a new guy. They are swarming around me like bees to honey. It’s strange, I guess that exercise the shrink is having me do is working or something, maybe I’m producing a massive amount of pheromones… i dunno, but it’s crazy. So I chilled around the apartment today, got caught up on my blog, and just relaxed. I let Tori take my car to work. Raymond called again. He was really upset. He just found out that Brandi has been cheating on him with her firstborn’s father and that he is leaving his wife for Brandi. Now he completely understands what he put me through and he can’t apologize enough. I feel really bad for him. I hope he doesn’t do anything stupid. It only 9pm now, but I have this stupid class i have to go to tomorrow, so I’m going to call it a night.

i feel like my emotions have just escaped the prison my heart had become and it’s overwhelming.

i’m a relationship-phobe. i met a guy i’m really into and i’m trying to keep from pushing him away

i didn’t plan on this happening again i was determined to keep my heart out of the hands of men

i’m scared of feeling a connection with anyone.