When I dropped him off he asked what I was doing later that night. I told him I had to go to my grandparents’ anniversary party at 9pm and then me and would probably go hang out at Cockleburz. He said he would be there and he would see me tonight.

Tori and I went back to the apartment and got dressed. We both looked sexy. Then we went to the gathering. We were an hour late. We stayed until 11 then we went to Scotty’s (a bar on the west side) because Tori was supposed to meet her cousins up there. So we got there and a band was playing. We lost track to time and didn’t get to Cockleburz until 1 am. We brought Amber with us. I talked to Joe and he said Johnny came in but left about a half hour before… damn me.

We stayed there for a little while, and then we went to the Vegas club. We had an extra hour of party time because of daylight savings time. :)

Then me, Amber, and Tori went back to the apartment. We planned on getting -er. I got online and a couple I had been talking to wanted us to go hangout at their place. The guy, Will, came over and talked us into going. Tori stayed home because she had to go to the next morning. So Amber and I went.

It was kinda weird. They wanted to have a foursome…


Amber and I sobered up quick. Amber is 100% straight and it freaked her out pretty bad. We went outside to smoke and then we left. They kept calling me, wanting me to take her home and come back, but I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t stop thinking about Johnny and how wrong it would be to have with another man and a woman less than 7 hours after I dropped him off. So I didn’t go back.

Amber and I got back to the apt and watched TV and talked about the weird experience we had just had. Then we went to bed. I had to get up a couple hours later and take Tori to work and amber back to her truck. I did that, then I came back home. I pretty much thought about Johnny until it was time for me to go to work. I kept having flashbacks of the great sex we had. It was like we were one being… I never felt that during sex before. It seemed like he was trying to completely merge with me.

Work was pretty boring and I was so freaking tired. I hardly got any sleep Friday and Saturday. I curled up in the back corner of the stage and fell asleep for an hour lol.

I got home about 10:15 and Chris came over to borrow my Halloween decorations. After he left I started thinking about Johnny again.

I had been thinking about him damned near all day. Johnny is so dangerous to me… he has potential heartbreak written all over him. I’m so giddy right now (I feel like a schoolgirl), but at the same time I am scared shitless.

So all day long I’ve been trying to talk myself out of continuing to speak to him. I even thought about finding another job so I don’t run the risk of seeing him again. I was telling myself all the reasons to not get emotionally involved with him. I was downing myself big time. Then I smoked a bowl with Tori and we started talking and I had an epiphany.

I believe in fate, but not in the common meaning of the word. I think fate is the best way for things to happen in each of our lives, but since we make the final decisions ourselves sometimes things don’t go the way they were meant to and we are forced to continue the cycle until we finally learn what we are supposed to do.

The common thread in all of my previous serious relationships is that I pushed them away. I would manipulate them into leaving me or if that didn’t work I would break up with them myself. I nipped the other relationships I could have had in the bud before they could possibly develop into something meaningful.

I finally understand why I run from . I am so scared of being hurt and abandoned that I avoid men (except for sex) as long as possible, and when that is no longer an option I push them away as fast and as hard as I can. I do it to keep from getting hurt, but in the end I get hurt worse because I bring it upon myself and the haunts me. Then I tend to blame the guy because he didn’t make me realize what a mistake I was making. I understand now that it isn’t their fault at all, it is mine. People can only put up with so much and I would push them beyond the limit.

The lesson I need to learn is to stop pushing people away and to let things play out the way they should be. I need to stop trying to control it. It will be impossible for me to find anything resembling happiness with someone until I learn this lesson.

On this day..