When I dropped him off he asked what I was doing later that night. I told him I had to go to my grandparents’ anniversary party at 9pm and then me and Tori would probably go hang out at Cockleburz. He said he would be there and he would see me tonight.

Tori and I went back to the apartment and got dressed. We both looked sexy. Then we went to the family gathering. We were an hour late. We stayed until 11 then we went to Scotty’s (a bar on the west side) because Tori was supposed to meet her cousins up there. So we got there and a band was playing. We lost track to time and didn’t get to Cockleburz until 1 am. We brought Amber with us. I talked to Joe and he said Johnny came in but left about a half hour before… damn me.

We stayed there for a little while, and then we went to the Vegas club. We had an extra hour of party time because of daylight savings time.

Then me, Amber, and Tori went back to the apartment. We planned on getting drunk-er. I got online and a couple I had been talking to wanted us to go hangout at their place. The guy, Will, came over and talked us into going. Tori stayed home because she had to go to work the next morning. So Amber and I went.

It was kinda weird. They wanted to have a foursome…

We partied our asses off this weekend. I had a lot of fun and some unexpected things happened.

Friday night, I had to work at the bar. I didn’t really plan on doing anything. Johnny Paul came in around 8pm which is earlier than he usually shows up. We started talking again. I was working the kitchen and it was pretty slow so we got to talk a lot. We recorded Brooke doing some goofy shit with my digital camera. I learned a lot about him. We figured out that we knew a lot of the same people because we both went to Rogers High School. I knew he looked familiar the first time I saw him, but I couldn’t place where I knew him from.

We talked about all kinds of things. I told him about what Brian (Lowe) did the weekend before. Then I’ll be damned if Brian didn’t show up at the bar. I wanted to take Joe’s baseball bat and beat him with it. Johnny Paul offered to take him outside and beat his ass for me. I thought that was sweet. I took the high road and completely ignored Brian. I acted like he didn’t even exist, even when he sat down next to Johnny Paul and tried to start talking to him. Johnny Paul didn’t really talk to him and he left after about an hour.

Last night was blissfully perfect. When I look behind me I see Johnny sleeping peacefully in my bed, still naked from this morning’s events, I am able to remember what it is like to be happy.

I met him 3 weeks ago. Started talking to him a lot last weekend and bed him this weekend… in the eyes of some that may seem way to soon, but in my eyes, it was perfect. I was attracted to him from the moment I laid eyes on him, and I wanted to be with him… so a dream came true.

I didn’t really go out of my way to win his affections because I thought he wanted Brooke. I was just friendly and was completely myself and I guess he was overthrown by my charms.

Well, today was my grandparents’ 50th anniversary! I can’t believe they’ve been together so long. I’m happy for them. I know they drive each other crazy, but I also know that they love each other very deeply.

I don’t think I could ever spend 50 years with the same person. The longest I’ve ever been with someone was a yr and a half and that lasted so long because it was a long distance relationship. The longest I had ever actually been with someone that I saw constantly (without breaking up at least once) was this last time Brian and I was together. That lasted 7 months.

last night was CRAZY!

Robert and Cody came over and we started drinking jager. Then on the way to Cockleburz Saloon we drank a bottle of peppermint schnapps. I didn’t eat all day (boy am i a dumbass)… anyways we get to the bar and Brooke gives me a triple jager. I downed that one and Johnny bought me another, then Chris bought me another, after that Brian bought me a triple rattlesnake, then Brooke gave me a xtra large sex on the beach and 2 screwdrivers, then Chris bought me another triple shot of jager…. um yeah by this time I was SHITFACED!!! I decided I had enough, but it was too late lol. I didn’t take in to consideration that I hadn’t eaten so yeah I was pretty damn wasted.

I want to thank everyone for their encouraging phone calls and emails while I was trapped in the depths of the darkness of the mind and imprisoned in a dungeon of despair. It means a lot to me to know that I’m not completely alone, mere words do no justice to the depth of my gratitude. The genuine concern expressed by many of you touched me deeply. Thank you all from the bottom of my soul. {HUGS}

I’ve been having spontaneous crying fits which is strange because I’ve rarely cried in the past 14 years.

I feel nauseated. I’ve been having waves of lightheadedness, dizziness, my heart skipping beats then racing, I can hear my heartbeat in my head sometimes during these waves. They started about 3-4 days ago when I ran out of Effexor and they are getting worse and more frequent. I almost passed out 6 times in the last 14 hours. During the waves I’m disoriented and have bad hot flashes and start sweating profusely. I’m not thinking clearly during these waves or attacks or whatever they are. It one is worse than the one before. I was driving home during one of the last ones and I would catch myself automatically trying to drive head on into another vehicle or speeding up and trying to slam into a telephone pole. I have less control over myself with each episode.

It’s scaring my roommate/cousin, Tori. During my moments of lucidity, such as now, (which are getting fewer and farther between) I know I need help. I’m losing control of myself and feel like I’m going crazy. I feel powerless to stop what is happening to me. I want this to all just go away. I don’t want to have the stigma of having some mental illness or being institutionalized (like my mother and father). It is so hard for me to ask for help. I’ve been self-reliant as long as I can remember. If anything I was the one other people always turned to when they needed help. To admit to myself that I can’t do it alone is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, but I’m scared to reach out and find that help. I’m ashamed.

I’ve been plagued with thoughts of suicide on and off since I was 6 years old. The thoughts have never lasted this long consecutively. I’ve been fighting these thoughts for the last 2 straight years. It was relatively easy to resist the urge until June of this year. Since then the thoughts/urges are getting harder and harder to resist. They wear me down a little bit more each day. The last few days I’ve been catching myself reaching for the shotgun, a knife, a rope… or when I’m driving a car I’ll find myself drifting into the lane of oncoming traffic trying to get them to hit me head on or trying to hit a telephone pole. Saturday night, my car broke down on the highway and I wanted to run out in front of one of the vehicles. A few times I went out into the road, but my cousin was with me and I didn’t want her to see it. That is the only thing that kept me from it. If I was alone that night I know I would have jumped out in front of one of those speeding cars. Admitting that to me scares the hell out of me.

During these lucid moments I think about calling copes and getting help, but then I have another wave and it’s the last thing I want to do. The fear of being institutionalized consumes me.

I’ve always thought self-reliance was my only good quality and now I’m losing that. I lost my job, about to lose my car and apartment, my utilities are about to be disconnected. I can’t afford to buy food or my medication. I haven’t had any income since august. The short term disability company is trying to screw me over, as is Cingular. With each bad thing that piles up on the others I feel like there is something pushing me to just give up and get it over with. I feel more and more helpless and worthless each day.

I constantly wish for death and the only thing thus far that has kept me from doing it myself is because I don’t want to leave my loved ones with my debt, or guilt that they couldn’t help me, or most of all I don’t want them to find me. I’ve been enough trouble on my family without making them clean my brains off the wall or scrub the blood stains off the carpet they deserve more than that. I wish I could be strong for them and a good person, but I’m not. I’m a worthless piece of shit. I don’t deserve to be loved. They deserve so much more than me. I bet they wish I had never been born just as I do. I wish mom had aborted me too. They’d all probably be better off. T-bone was the only that ever made it crystal clear he didn’t want me, except for mom’s past boyfriends and that evil son of a bitch, Larry.

I don’t want my nieces and nephews growing up wondering why auntie Jen killed herself and thinking I was some crazy lunatic. I wasn’t always like this… what the hell happened? And why can’t I make it stop?

At this point the love I feel for my grandparents, siblings, nieces, nephews, mother, and cousins is the only thing that keeps me holding on, but for how much longer? every day I figure out more and more that they would all be better of without me and if I shot myself outside they wouldn’t have to clean it up, or even see it or if I wrecked or drowned myself in the lake or jumped in front of a diesel or a train or stabbed my heart.

I don’t understand what I’m doing right now. I feel another wave starting. I’m crying my eyes out, pulling my hair. It feels like someone is clawing inside of me.

Things have been crazy… I’ve been trying to hide from all my problems, hoping they will go away (yeah like that’s gonna happen). It seems like it’s one damn thing after another. I just want some peace in my life, is that too much to ask for?

In the meantime, I’ve been struggling. Thoughts of suicide have been rattling around in my head for the last 4 months. I keep hoping they will go away, but instead more and more things keep happening… almost pushing me towards doing it. I’m trying to fight it, when I’m awake I try to keep my mind on other things, but when I finally go to bed I lay there and it’s all I can think about. Once I drift off, I dream about ways to kill myself and I wake up thinking about it. I try to make light of it with my roomies, but they don’t find it funny. They’ve promised me they won’t lock me up in some mental institution (like I had to do my to my mother), but I’m starting to think about checking myself in. I don’t want to die yet, but these thoughts won’t stop. I feel like I’m going crazy or something.