Ok, the GC roadtrip gave me time to think about my life. Ya know, kinda to step outside of everything going on and re-evaluate some things. I decided to break up with Brian and I did it today. It was kinda hard, because I do care about him, but it’s just a matter of bad timing. He’s working 2 jobs and going to school part-time and I’m working fulltime and going to school full-time… so that leaves almost 0 time for us to be together. Besides that, it’s a unnecessary distraction, with this renewed desire to accomplish all my goals, I need to focus on attaining them and not maintaining an almost hopeless relationship.Maybe I could find time for casual dating, but not a serious commitment. I’m still young and I feel like I’m too young to settle down right now, especially because I know Brian isn’t my Mr. Right. I’ve always known that. We’ve been going on and off for 8 years now and he has always been Mr. Right Now. I was starting to think about settling for him, but fuck that. If I’m going to make a serious commitment, it’s going to be with someone that I feel is my soulmate. I don’t see the point in settling for someone just so I have someone. I would rather be alone. I’m just as happy alone as I am coupled up, actually I’m happier single. I have the freedom to do as I wish, I don’t have to worry about getting hurt or hurting anyone else, I don’t have to answer to anyone… It’s nice, very niiiiiiiiiice!
After I told the girls, they declared it a girls night and we are getting a hotel room and throwing a party. I’m going to get drunk and mourn/celebrate.

Pam won the meet & greet in Dallas and she took me along with her as her guest
We were alone with the boys of GC in the green-room (which was actually blue) for about 15 mins. We got to talk to them and take pics and stuff. It meant alot to me to get to go because I wanted to personally express my gratitude to them, especially Benji, for the song “hold on”. I explained why that song is so important to me in a previous entry. I am still alive because of that song. Anyways, Pam and I got to talk to them about all sorts of things. We got hugs and autographs from all of them and a couple pics. It was fucking awesome. They are so nice.

The last few days, hell maybe even weeks, I’ve been thinking about cheating. I had NEVER considered doing it before, but the distance between Brian and me grows more everyday and I’m getting lonely. I need some affection from a man, whether or not it involves sex. I feel guilty for even considering cheating, but damn it, I have needs too. Besides that, how do I know if he’s being faithful to me in his absence? Maybe the reason we’ve grown so far apart is because he found someone else and he doesn’t have the heart to tell me.

I bought him a card and I wrote exactly how I’m feeling, with the exception of the cheating part. I’m trying to get us to take time to reconnect and I doubt he would want to do that if he knew I was thinking about cheating on him.