In the last entry I wrote of all the good things that happened last week. I am so happy right now, but there is something that is keeping from totally enjoying my life right now.

Oct 19th, the state picked up my mom and committed her again, because she has lost it (again). I know she needs the help, but last time the made me have her committed myself, something that I still feel guilty about. Back then, they had all said they would back me up and blah blah blah, but when it was time for the court hearing I was the only one that went. My mom didn’t think she was crazy so she blamed me and stuff. So when she relapsed this time I told the to kiss my ass. I can’t go through it alone again. So they copped out and called in the state.

She is still in the “hospital”. She tried to kill herself Thursday. I don’t know how to feel. Maybe I’m still in shock, I don’t know. My mother and me have had many problems with each other in the past and I still hold a lot of resentment towards her for things she let happen to me when I was too young to defend myself. I her because she is my mother, but I don’t her as a person. I barely even like her as a person. I feel guilty for feeling that way, but it’s how I feel. Does that make me a bad person? I’m always worried that I will end up just like her and that scares the living shit out me.

I’ve been trying to keep that whole situation out of my head and concentrate on the good things going on right now, but she called a little while ago and wanted to talk to me. I answered the phone and it was silent for quite awhile and then she muttered something indistinguishable. I had to have her repeat it a few times, by the last time she was crying and said, “You know I love you, don’t you?” It broke my heart. All the things I’ve been thinking about her this week and the emotional detachment I felt. I feel so horrible and guilty. That was the first time (that I can remember anyway) that she told me she loves me. It caught me offguard and shocked the piss out of me. For as long as I can remember, I never thought she loved me. I’m sitting here crying (a rarity for me).

There are so many good things going on right now except for this one thing and it is making feel guilty for being happy and enjoying my successes.

I have consciously strived to be the opposite of my mother for so long. I desperately wish our relationship could have been different. Now, I feel I’ve lost the chance to have a good relationship with her. She is mentally ill now and will never be the same. In a way I feel like my mother has died and I feel so damned powerless. I loathe feeling powerless. I grew up feeling that way every moment of everyday. Once I hit my teenage years, I vowed to myself that I would never be powerless again and I have become a very self-controlled, strong, independent, yet aloof person. I long to feel emotional attachment, but knowing that loss of control accompanies it, I haven’t been able to bring myself to completely open up to anyone and let them inside my head and heart, including my own family. It’s terribly sad.

I don’t even know how to begin cracking this shell. It was put in place years and years ago and I know without it I wouldn’t have survived, which is why I hold on to it so tightly. I’ve let it down briefly before and the end result was utter devastation that to this day I haven’t completely recovered from.

I have a calm, collected, strong, icy exterior, but inside is turmoil. I put on a brave face and pretend everything is fine even when I feel ready to break under the pressure. I don’t let anyone in because I’m petrified of being hurt, or even worse – rejected. Inside I am hyper-sensitive, warm, and caring. I wish I knew how to let my true self come out. I don’t want to be alone anymore. It’s very painful to have so many people in my life and still be lonely.

On this day..