Things have been looking up for awhile. Thank goodness! If things had continued on the path they were I’m not sure I could have handled it. I know obstacles make us stronger, but I’m freakin’ strong enough. If I was any stronger I’d be made of steel.

I started a new career last Monday (the 18th) at Cingular Wireless. So far, it’s everything I wanted in a job(other than having to get up at 5am to be there in time for the 7am training class). It has great benefits as well as advancement potential. I can see myself staying with this company indefinitely.

Last Wednesday, I finally got another vehicle. Woohoo, I don’t drive a hoopty anymore. It’s a 93 ford explorer. I love it. I just need to switch the system from the hoopty to the new car and it will be perfect. I still need to sell the hoopty too.

In the last entry I wrote of all the good things that happened last week. I am so happy right now, but there is something that is keeping from totally enjoying my life right now.

Oct 19th, the state picked up my mom and committed her again, because she has lost it (again). I know she needs the help, but last time the family made me have her committed myself, something that I still feel guilty about. Back then, they had all said they would back me up and blah blah blah, but when it was time for the court hearing I was the only one that went. My mom didn’t think she was crazy so she blamed me and stuff. So when she relapsed this time I told the family to kiss my ass. I can’t go through it alone again. So they copped out and called in the state.

She is still in the “hospital”. She tried to kill herself Thursday. I don’t know how to feel. Maybe I’m still in shock, I don’t know. My mother and me have had many problems with each other in the past and I still hold a lot of resentment towards her for things she let happen to me when I was too young to defend myself. I love her because she is my mother, but I don’t love her as a person. I barely even like her as a person. I feel guilty for feeling that way, but it’s how I feel. Does that make me a bad person? I’m always worried that I will end up just like her and that scares the living shit out me.

I originally had my blog on AOL (when I was still a newbie), then I moved it to opendiary.com because I preferred the functionality of the site and it was devoted specifically to blogs/journals. I was very happy with opendiary for quite awhile… happy enough to pay for a subscription.

Since I paid for a subscription I was lulled into a false sense of security - that my entries were safe and I didn’t have to back them up. Boy was I wrong!

There was a hacker attack on that site and everyone’s entries from july-sept 11th were deleted. They couldn’t recover them. It pissed me off, so I moved to livejournal.

The lost entries were so important to me… I’ve been kicking myself in the ass for not backing them up… needless to say I’ve learned a valuable lesson - now I save my entries to my hard drive as well as using other sites. I blog on yahoo 360, myspace, opendiary, livejournal, xanga, and now my own website… I think my posts are pretty secure now.

Anyways, losing all those entries discouraged me from keeping a journal for awhile. Here I am though, back in the saddle again.