It’s been one of those really really rough days that make you feel so horrible that you can barely find a reason to go on living… You know the ones – where everything starts going wrong from the second you get out of bed… first, one thing goes wrong and then another, then another until finally it all compounds into one super shitty day and you begin contemplating your life and how awry it has gone. It is a spiraling ball of shit that you have lost control of and the more you try to bring it out of the nosedive the worse it becomes. You begin to wonder why you even bother. You’re on the verge of giving up, but then miraculously, something happens to snap you out of it and make you feel better. You start to remember that tomorrow, after all, is another day and the problems of this day will be in the past…

Well, not today. Today, the hits just keep on coming. Technically, tomorrow will be here in about 15 minutes, but the problems of this day will still be here and just as bad as they are today.

All I really need is someone to talk to, someone to tell me that everything will be okay, and actually convince me of it.

I tried to call a few minutes ago to apologize for being so distant on the phone earlier, but he didn’t answer. I don’t blame him. I wouldn’t want to talk to me either. So here I sit, pouring my heart out to my computer. I can’t sleep. I tried and the thoughts of the shithole my life has become are just swirling around in my head and won’t give me a moment’s peace.

The problems today carried over from yesterday. Brian and I had plans last night, but those got canceled because after I had my catalytic converter changed yesterday afternoon my car decided to mess up. So, I got up early this morning to take it back to the guy and make him fix it. He swore up and down that it wasn’t his fault and told me to take it back to the guys that replaced the O2 sensor. I did, and they pointed the finger back at the muffler guy. It continued on like that until they told me to get another opinion. I called Bobby and he told me to have it put on a diagnostic computer. I made an appointment for after .

So me and finally get to work and the place is a mess from Dena “cleaning” it yesterday. So we had to clean all that up. Then I went to turn the fryer on and it wouldn’t work. We finally got it figured out. Don was gone with the ventahood filters so the grill was late getting turned on. When I turned it on, one of the pilot lights kept going out then once I got it to stay on the other one started going out. The meat man was late so I didn’t get my meat rolled until after 11:30. The grill kept on going off during lunch so it was putting us way behind. Closing time finally came and we were rushing to finish so we could get to the appointment with the mechanic and the damn car wouldn’t start. Chris showed up and was trying to figure it out, to no avail. I called AAA and they came and towed it, but they didn’t get there until after 5:00. So we were stranded there forever. I finally get home to discover that my financial aid for school will still be suspended until the fall semester, so I can’t go this semester because there is no way in hell I can afford to pay for it. I owe Jess $140 from having the O2 sensor replaced. How pathetic is that? I owe my baby sister and chances are I’m going to have to borrow even more from her. I hate my job. I alienated all my friends. My relationship with my mom is almost non-existent. I just hate my life, period. It’s always something. I never have any peace. It’s driving me crazy.

About 10:15 I gave up and decided to just go to bed and try to put this day behind me. After I was laying there for about 5 minutes, Brian calls. I answered it, hoping to confide in him and get the reassurance I need, but I only felt worse after talking to him. I broke down and cried my eyes out after we got off the phone. I’m not used to crying. It’s very rare for me to cry. I feel so overwhelmed. It’s like I’m stuck out in the middle of the ocean fighting the current and trying to stay afloat, but I keep getting sucked back under. The reason I felt so bad after talking to him was because I was reminded of something I had purposely forgotten about.

He brought up his plans to move back to Vegas in August. When he mentioned it 2 weeks ago I just tried to blow it off, and pretend like it wasn’t going to happen, but after tonight’s conversation, I know it’s going to happen and I’m going to be stuck here alone and hurting again. That was the final straw. When he was telling me, I had the urge to beg to him to stay, but I was too scared. I’m afraid he’ll reject me and still leave. I was starting to believe we could really make a relationship work this time. I guess I was wrong and that revelation hit me like a ton of bricks. It couldn’t have come at a worse time. My have been growing a lot towards him the last few weeks. I wouldn’t go so far to say that I’m in with him, but I definitely care for him a great deal. I wanted to tell him so badly, but I’m just so damned scared of getting hurt again. What if he doesn’t give a damn about me? What if I’m just someone to pass the time with until he leaves? What if I tell him how I feel and he rejects me? I don’t think I’d be able to handle that.

It is so hard for me to open up to others. I close myself off to avoid getting hurt, but I’m causing myself hurt by not allowing myself to get close to anyone. It’s a damned if you do, damned if you don’t situation. I see no solutions to the problems in my messed up life. I feel utterly hopeless and find myself praying for . I won’t try to bring upon myself again, I learned that lesson the hard way, but it’s not stopping me from wishing I would just die.

Right now, the problem that has me the most depressed is the one with Brian. What do I do? My heart is guiding me to just lay it all out on the table with him, but my head is telling me to just nip it in the bud now so I don’t experience even more pain in August when he leaves. My little optimistic heart is hoping that if I tell him how I feel he will decide to stay here, at least until we figure out if there is a chance for us. But those thoughts, the ones that constantly remind me of what a worthless failure I am are taunting me. It is those thoughts that keep holding me back, but I can’t get rid of them. The nagging bastards are always in the back of my mind. I guess I’m going to try to go to sleep, maybe I will have a fresh perspective of things in the morning.

On this day..