Exactly one year ago I almost died. It wasn’t from a car accident or any other mishap. I tried to take my own life. I breached the point of thinking about ending it all and actually attempting it. Obviously, it wasn’t a successful attempt and I’ve never been more happy about one of my failures.

What could have pushed me over the edge of reason? It wasn’t any particular thing, it was a combination of them. I’ve had a very hard life and I’m prone to severe . Around this time last year, my brother went to prison, my mother had a nervous breakdown and I had to have her committed, I failed a class, I hated my job, I didn’t have any friends because I had pushed them all away, I had run into my ex fiancee (my first ) which brought back all sorts of , my grandpa had a heart attack and my grandma was in the hospital a month before, and to top it off my relationship with was falling apart.

He was the person that kept me sane and gave me a reason to get up everyday. I centered my life around him. At that point of my life, he was the only thing I was living for. Then the night before our anniversary I ended it. I could sense that he wasn’t going to leave his wife and I couldn’t bear being dumped so I moved first. I did it in an yahoo im I’ll include the whole convo in another entry. Towards the end of our conversation, I knew I didn’t want to live anymore, so I began taking zoloft 20 at a time. We were watching each other on our cams. So he knew I was taking something. I hoped we would say our goodbyes before he figured out what I was doing. No such luck, he demanded to know what I was doing, I told him I was eating nerds. I hurried up and got offline.

I ended up taking 180 zoloft and a big bottle of tylenol pm. I was lying on my bed, waiting to die, praying to die, begging to die… My sister had left a cd that she bought that day in the computer and it was playing on repeat. It was Good Charlotte. I hadn’t been listening to it, I just tuned it out like I do a lot of things. I vaguely knew who GC was, but I just thought they were an angry boy band. I had never bothered to listen to their . As I was wishing to hurry up and die “hold on” came on. I laid there listening and burst into tears. It was the most beautiful song I had ever heard. I got up and put the song on repeat.

————Hold On by Good Charlotte——————

This world, this world is cold
But you don’t, you don’t have to go
You’re feeling sad you’re feeling lonely
And no one seems to care
You’re mother’s gone and your father hits you
This pain you cannot bare

But we all bleed the same way as you do
We all have the same things to go thru

Hold on…if you feel like letting go
Hold on…it gets better than you know

Your days you say they’re way too long
And your nights you can’t sleep at all (hold on)
And you’re not sure what you’re looking for
But you don’t want to no more
And you’re not sure what you’re waiting for but you don’t want to no more

But we all bleed the same way as you do
And we all have the same things to go through

Hold on…if you feel like letting go
Hold on…it gets better than you know

Don’t stop looking you’re one step closer
Don’t stop searching it’s not over…hold on

What are you looking for?
What are you waiting for?
Do you know what you’re doing to me?
Go ahead…what are you waiting for?

Hold on…if you feel like letting go
Hold on…it gets better than you know

Don’t stop looking you’re one step closer
Don’t stop searching it’s not over…

Hold on…if you feel like letting go
Hold on…it gets better than you know…hold on

By then I was feeling very weak. I started convulsing, my balance was way off and I was having hot flashes something terrible. I decided then, that things would get better and I should hold on to life. I stumbled to the bathroom, no easy feat in my condition and made myself start vomitting. I couldn’t stand, my legs were twitching like crazy, the room was spinning and it was incredibly hot. I felt like I had been soaked in gasoline and set afire. I crawled to the tub and tried to stand up so I could get in. My balance was off and I knocked a lot of stuff in the floor and bathtub. I turned the water on cold and got in, clothes and all. I laid there, wondering if I got enough of the pills out of my system. I have no clue how long I was in there. I finally cooled off, so I stripped and crawled out of the tub and back to my room. I went to sleep, wondering if I would awaken the next morning. My granny and sister tried to wake me up, I was still convulsing and running a temp of 103.2. Granny assumed I was sick and called into for me. I never told my about it or anything. They just thought I had food poisoning. Needless to say, after that experience I won’t ever try that again. I still have some days when I miss him or hate him, or some weeks that are horrible and trying, but I cope. It is because of Good Charlotte that I am still here, living, breathing, dreaming, coping…

On this day..