Ok, I had one of those wake-you-up-in-the-middle-of-the-night-epiphanies.

Tonight it was about . He called the night before last. Well, today he came up to my job and hung around until almost an hour after we closed. Every since I stopped sleeping with him and Brandi (his wife), I haven’t really talked to them too much. Most of it was because I’ve been too busy with and school, but part of it was because of those unresolved/residual I had for Raymond.
He was my first , my first orgasm, my first fiancee, etc. after all.

We had a really horrible break up back in June 2000. There wasn’t really any time for closure. It took me 3 months before I could have with anyone else, and he doesn’t really count because it was . It was a year and a half after the break up before I let myself start seriously . I guess it was a grace period or something… who knows.

Anyways, that person was , the second love of my life. Those of you who have read my other entries know all about him. It was January ‘03 and we had been together 13 months (a little over 2 1/2 years after the breakup with Ray) when Ray found me on yahoo messenger, of all places. I had hated him for so long, and he just appeared out of the blue one day, pretty much asking for a truce.

That was sooooo weird, I can’t even explain it properly. We began talking, and very shortly afterward me and Erick’s relationship started going downhill. I was utterly confused. I was pushing Erick away and pulling Ray closer. To this day I still don’t know what the hell I was thinking. All I know is that I wasn’t doing any of it consciously. By the middle of March things were getting pretty bad between me and Erick. I think one of the main reasons for it was because March 1st I ran into Ray and Brandi at an ICP concert. Brandi was too much of a pussy to be in the pit, but I wasn’t, and guess who was next me… Ray. Surprise, surprise.

I was feeling so many emotions that night. The , resentment, bitterness, and also the love. I still loved him. How ridiculous was that? I told Erick about the concert, and of course we fought about it. We continued to fight about it for 2 weeks. It got to the point where I wasn’t even sure if I loved Erick anymore. One night, after a particularly bad talk, I got a wild hair up my ass and drove 600 miles to see him. I had to know if I still loved him or if he had only become a habit. I needed to know because I was supposed to move up there to be with him in May or June. He was planning the split from his wife and everything. Well, I got there (drove through a 3 state wide storm) and he came to my motel. Things were a little awkward at first, but we got through it and ended up having sex. I still felt an attraction for him and cared deeply for him, but it wasn’t anything like our previous meetings. I stayed for a couple days. We kind of reaffirmed our feelings for each other and I went back home. Things went great for a week and a half, then it was right back to the way it was. Then as you already know, we split up april 3rd, the night before our 16 month anniversary. 2 weeks later, I started hanging out with Ray and soon after, the menage a trois began.

All during that, I still had some feelings for Ray. Part of me wanted us to get back together. Now, 9 months after the end of the threesomes, I’m over it. It may have happened before today, but I just realized it today while he was at my job. He called me 4 times today, just to talk or whatever. I can honestly say that I am completely over Raymond and I’m thrilled about it. I never thought I would see the day when I didn’t still hold a little yearning for a reconciliation. I know now, without a doubt, that we would never work out. We are too different and too alike in all the wrong areas. The one and only place we are perfect together is in bed, and that is hardly enough to build a life together around.

On this day..