Self-Disgust

Why do I feel the need to blow money when I have it? why am I afraid of success, love, happiness?
I don’t know how to be happy, but i know how to be miserable. I’m a loser. I’m 24 getting damn near 25 and i still live with my grandparents. no one cares about me. i hate my life, i hate myself. i use the internet to escape from life. I’m grossly fat. Why is negativity and negative things the majority of what comes to my life? What do I do to turn my life around? How do I tell myself no? How do I tell anyone no for that matter? I have needed a good cry for weeks, but I can’t cry. Most of the time I wish I was dead. I cannot continue living like this. This is no life at all. I lost all my friends. My own fault mostly. I pushed them all away. I’ve been hurt so deeply, by so many people, its just easier to lock them out. I’m a coward.
My sister hates me. My mother hates me. i am a horrible person. I’ve always believed everything happens for a reason. What is the reason for everything I have been through? Will I ever get to be happy?