Jess reminded me this morning that today is Felicia’s birthday and also the 4 year anniversary of our Jello Wrestling event for our local alternative/hard rock radio station.

I had pretty much forgotten about that experience.

It was so much fun though. We made 368 boxes of Jello and put it on a tarp in the back of Trevor’s truck and layered it with 25 big tubs of Cool Whip. That wasn’t enough so we added some spaghetti noodles and 25 big bags of jet puffed marshmallow to the mix.

Jess and Tori rode in the back of the truck to the radio station. I met up with Felicia and Courtney there. Jennifer, Dena, Lisa, Randy, and Brad jr showed up as well. The intern took me, Felicia, and Courtney upstairs and we got to talk on the radio for awhile (cheap thrill, I know), then we went downstairs and jumped into the bed of the truck with Tori and Jess, then Lisa and Jennifer got in. We wrestled around for about 30 mins, Felicia’s bikini top came off and Jennifer took her shirt off and the hooch wasn’t wearing a bra then 2 guys from the rather large crowd jumped in and joined us all. We pulled them down and got them messy as hell… that was a great time. I highly recommend Jello wrestling to everyone It’s really messy though. We were dyed red for 3 days…

After it was over we all drove to the car wash and let some of the guys hose us off Trevor taped it all, it was great.

I wish I still did crazy stuff like that. Hmm, maybe I still can…

Why do I feel the need to blow money when I have it? why am I afraid of success, love, happiness?
I don’t know how to be happy, but i know how to be miserable. I’m a loser. I’m 24 getting damn near 25 and i still live with my grandparents. no one cares about me. i hate my life, i hate myself. i use the internet to escape from life. I’m grossly fat. Why is negativity and negative things the majority of what comes to my life? What do I do to turn my life around? How do I tell myself no? How do I tell anyone no for that matter? I have needed a good cry for weeks, but I can’t cry. Most of the time I wish I was dead. I cannot continue living like this. This is no life at all. I lost all my friends. My own fault mostly. I pushed them all away. I’ve been hurt so deeply, by so many people, its just easier to lock them out. I’m a coward.
My sister hates me. My mother hates me. i am a horrible person. I’ve always believed everything happens for a reason. What is the reason for everything I have been through? Will I ever get to be happy?

Ok, I had one of those wake-you-up-in-the-middle-of-the-night-epiphanies.

Tonight it was about Raymond. He called the night before last. Well, today he came up to my job and hung around until almost an hour after we closed. Every since I stopped sleeping with him and Brandi (his wife), I haven’t really talked to them too much. Most of it was because I’ve been too busy with work and school, but part of it was because of those unresolved/residual feelings I had for Raymond.
He was my first love, my first orgasm, my first fiancee, etc. after all.

We had a really horrible break up back in June 2000. There wasn’t really any time for closure. It took me 3 months before I could have sex with anyone else, and he doesn’t really count because it was Brian. It was a year and a half after the break up before I let myself start seriously dating. I guess it was a grace period or something… who knows.

Anyways, that person was Erick, the second love of my life. Those of you who have read my other entries know all about him. It was January ‘03 and we had been together 13 months (a little over 2 1/2 years after the breakup with Ray) when Ray found me on yahoo messenger, of all places. I had hated him for so long, and he just appeared out of the blue one day, pretty much asking for a truce.

That was sooooo weird, I can’t even explain it properly. We began talking, and very shortly afterward me and Erick’s relationship started going downhill. I was utterly confused. I was pushing Erick away and pulling Ray closer. To this day I still don’t know what the hell I was thinking. All I know is that I wasn’t doing any of it consciously. By the middle of March things were getting pretty bad between me and Erick. I think one of the main reasons for it was because March 1st I ran into Ray and Brandi at an ICP concert. Brandi was too much of a pussy to be in the pit, but I wasn’t, and guess who was next me… Ray. Surprise, surprise.

I was feeling so many emotions that night. The anger, resentment, bitterness, and also the love. I still loved him. How ridiculous was that? I told Erick about the concert, and of course we fought about it. We continued to fight about it for 2 weeks. It got to the point where I wasn’t even sure if I loved Erick anymore. One night, after a particularly bad talk, I got a wild hair up my ass and drove 600 miles to see him. I had to know if I still loved him or if he had only become a habit. I needed to know because I was supposed to move up there to be with him in May or June. He was planning the split from his wife and everything. Well, I got there (drove through a 3 state wide storm) and he came to my motel. Things were a little awkward at first, but we got through it and ended up having sex. I still felt an attraction for him and cared deeply for him, but it wasn’t anything like our previous meetings. I stayed for a couple days. We kind of reaffirmed our feelings for each other and I went back home. Things went great for a week and a half, then it was right back to the way it was. Then as you already know, we split up april 3rd, the night before our 16 month anniversary. 2 weeks later, I started hanging out with Ray and soon after, the menage a trois began.

Ok, so here is my horoscope. An old lover is about to make contact, after months or even years of yearning after your incredible connection. Be careful not to let old issues interfere with what could be a whole new beginning.

That is really freaky because I saw Brian the other day. I was at work and I happened to look out the window. Well, right then a blazer looking vehicle was slowing down and the passenger damned near crawled over the driver’s lap to look in. When he saw I was looking he started waving like a mad man… at first I was like what the fuck… but then I realized it was Brian. The night before I dreamed that me and Brian met up again and got back together.

I just got off the phone with Mike. He seems to be doing a little better. I feel bad for him. He knows now that if he ever needs to talk I’ll be here for him. He asked if he can call me tomorrow. I told him he could and that he could stop by my job and get lunch tomorrow.

He was telling me about his motorcycles. He has 2. He didn’t come across as the motorcycle type to me before, but hey… Maybe he’s a bad boy after all.

I’m feeling pretty happy right now.

After all my Erick posts, I decided to go read some of my archives from after we broke up. I haven’t spoken to him since the middle of November. I can’t help but wonder how he’s doing. Despite everything, we had a great friendship. I miss that more than anything and I would like to rekindle it, so I made a new id and left him an offline message. We’ll see how it turns out.

It’s been long enough. I think we could maintain a friendship now. I’ve moved on, and I’m sure he has. I at least want him to know I have forgiven him, and I mean it this time. I’m well over the rage and anger.

I’ll be damned, time does heal all wounds.

Yahoo IM - April 3-4, 2003

Jen: i wished i was as good as taking advice as i am at giving it
Jen: or that i could give it to myself and actually listen
Erick: lol
Jen: its been a confusing week
Jen: and just when i have a decision made, i talk myself out of it
Jen: enough to make me wanna kick my own ass
Jen: my poor playlist has been all kinds of confused
Erick: That maked me think of that scene in liar liar
Jen: i don’t know what it is, music always calms me
Jen: lol buh
Jen: i wouldn’t smash my face with a toilet seat
Erick: lol
Jen: i’d throw myself off a bridge or somn
Jen: or out of a moving vehicle

Erick: ummmm…no thats not good
Jen: lol duh
Erick: youd be better off with the toilet seat
Jen: i’ve had my moments this week
Jen: lol
Jen: i even went so far as to make sure the family knows my wishes
Jen: this thing with granny and grandpa has me thinking about all kinds of stuff
Jen: ya never know when somn is gonna happen
Erick: tell me about it.

Yada, yada yada….

Jen : ya know what?
Erick : huh?
Jen : you hurt my feelings the other day
Erick : How? With that offline?
Jen : um yeah
Jen : asshole
Erick : Im sorry. I was grumpy lol
Jen : obviously
Jen : i was cussing you all day
Jen : actually i was gonna break things off with you if you got online that night
Jen : i was a pissed off bitch
Erick : I kinda gathered that
Jen : with what, my reply?
Erick : yeah
Jen : it was toned down too
Jen : i did somn i never did before, i got advice from a therapist
Jen : about our situation
Erick : yeah?
Erick : what? Like online?
Jen : i told him everything
Jen : yeah
Erick : whatd he say?
Jen : my email to him was 56k
Erick : DAYUM
Jen : you really wanna know?
Erick : yeah
Jen : i got the reply this morning
Jen : after i had already pretty much made my decision
Jen : Jennifer - Get out of this. You are in a way vulnerable position. The odds are against you. He is obviously stringing you along, so he will have someone to fall back on in case his marriage goes bust. You deserve better. He is a selfish person, more concerned with his own happiness than anyone else’s. I can almost guarantee that he will never tell his wife the extent of his relationship with you, even though she has every right to know. It is unfair for him to keep her in the dark. A marriage doesn’t deteriorate on one side, both partners let it. I think the both of you would be better off without him. He may love you, but not enough to leave his wife for you. Get out. You seem like a person that doesn’t really follow other’s advice. If you ignore my advice at least do this:
DO NOT move unless/until he at least separates from his wife. If he can’t do it before you move 600 miles to be with him, then don’t go. If he won’t leave her before you move he will never leave her after you move. He wants his cake and to eat it too. I can tell you love him dearly, but it is clear to me that you are setting yourself up for heartbreak.
Jen : that was it
Erick : mmmmmk
Jen : lol is that all you have to say?
Erick : Well, i disagree with some of the points he brought up
Jen : what do you think of his take of the situation?
Erick : and agree with others
Jen : you gonna elaborate?
Erick : You are in a way vulnerable position. - agree
Jen : me too
Erick : He is obviously stringing you along, so he will have someone to fall back on in case his marriage goes bust. - disagree
Erick : You deserve better. - agree
Jen : The odds are against you.–i agree
Erick : He is a selfish person, more concerned with his own happiness than anyone else’s. - disagree
Jen : I can almost guarantee that he will never tell his wife the extent of his relationship with you, even though she has every right to know.— i absolutely agree
Erick : DO NOT move unless/until he at least separates from his wife - agree
Jen : me too
Erick : So, what was your decision?
Jen : it keeps going back and forth
Jen : all day i had it in my head to let you go
Jen : but with it being so close to our 16 month ann
Jen : and a few other things, its gone back to limbo
Jen : actually i’ve had it in my head the last 3 days
Erick : Had what in your head? To let me go?
Jen : well monday it was an iffy day
Jen : i even made a pros and cons list
Jen : and a list of what i need in a partner
Jen : there was 29 pros & 13 cons
Jen : 4 of the cons were huge
Jen : but alot of the pros were important too
Jen : i just don’t want to make the wrong decision
Jen : i’m trying to weigh everything first
Erick : Maybe we should both do that
Erick : like, maybe, not have contact with each other for x amount of days….
Erick : and then come back & compare results
Jen : well that wouldn’t be fair
Jen : unless you didn’t have contact with manda for the same x amount of days
Erick : shit
Jen : its hardly fair to try to make a decision avoiding me, but being around her everyday
Erick : true
Jen : its bad enough we hardly talk anymore
Jen : i feel like i’m losing with each day
Jen : especially when you believe all we do is fight
Jen : but i’m done with begging
Jen : i have made my case the best i can
Erick : I know
Jen : trickie even gave me her imput
Erick : oh i bet that was good
Jen : well she read most of that email
Jen : at first she was all “you guys are perfect together” blah blah blah
Jen : then she read it
Jen : and got the same impression the dr did
Jen : she thought you had made your decision but didn’t have the heart to tell me
Jen : i told her i asked you that already
Jen : and you said you hadn’t yet
Jen : i wish i didn’t second guess myself so much
Erick : I know what you mean.
Jen : i hate to say it, but those that know the situation think i should move on
Jen : all except me
Jen : at least my heart
Erick : We both need to make a decision
Jen : yeah we do
Erick : I know.
Jen : all this uncertainty has had me lashing out at you
Jen : which is stupid cuz that’s pushing you closer to her… the opposite of what i want
Erick : And I havent been able to come to a concrete decision yet because I havent been able to think about it objectively
Jen : me either
Jen : just when i think i made a decison, i remember something about you
Erick : which is why Im sayin we need to sever contact with each other for a certain amount of time
Erick : but then, like you said
Jen : like i said before not talking to me for a certain amt of days, but being around her directly influences you
Jen : are you leaning toward a certain direction at all?

Jen : be honest
Jen : i need to know
Jen : don’t worry about my feelings
Jen : just tell me
Erick : Well, I am wanting to give manda a chance. for the fact that it is a committment I made years ago, time invested in it, you know…plus add anna into the mix…
Jen : i figured as much. advice is what you ask for when you already know the answer, but wish you didn’t. for the last week my instincts have been telling me to break it off…

Jen : well, however it turns out manda deserves to know
Erick : I know.
Jen : if there is any chance of yall having a real relationship again yall need to be completely honest with each other
Erick : Yes.
Jen if there is consequences take them like a man
Jen : you did her wrong
Jen : you did me wrong
Erick : I did you both…um..yeah
Jen : i have pretty much dealt with it
Jen : in reality affairs always come out
Jen : sooner or later
Jen : it would be best for her to hear it from you
Erick : Ive been thinking about that lately - telling her
Jen : don’t think me a bitch for this
Erick : No, not at all
Jen : but if you chose her and you tell her about the affair and if she kicks you to the curb don’t come crawling to me. i couldn’t take that
Erick : No, I wouldnt think of that
Jen :yall need to sit down and talk about everything
Erick : I dunno, i have too much pride to do somn like that I think
Erick : Yes, I know that
Jen : it seems only right for me to back out
Jen : you have chosen her, at least on a subconscious level
Erick : Im still not sure if working things out with her is worth it. I need time to think. I love you Jen.
Jen: sometimes that isn’t enough Erick. I think it’s best if we cut our losses and sever ties now.
Erick: Id still like to maintain some kind of friendship with you, but…..thats not going to be possible, is it?
Jen : no
Jen : it would be a constant reminder to me of what could have been
Jen : and i will have resentment toward you
Erick : I understand
Jen : more than i already have
Jen : i resent you for leading me to believe things all these months
Jen : then backing out when it was almost realized
Erick : Jen, for what its worth….Im so sorry for everything that Ive put you through. Im so ashamed of myself for letting it happen in the first place.
Jen : and the fact that all she has done to make you question our relationship was be nice to you… that cheapens our whole relationship to me
Erick : This isnt me.
Jen : and the fact that you didn’t have any problem having sex with me a few weeks ago
Jen : that was wrong
Jen : i feel like a foolish toy
Erick : No, please dont
Jen : i guess i just tried to hard
Jen : i really believed you didn’t love her anymore
Jen : i wish i just had to be nice to someone to make them love me again
Jen : have you had sex with her?
Erick : no
Jen : crazy, i ended up making the decision i thought i was in limbo from again
Jen : well everyone else will be happy
Jen : i hope yall can work things out
Jen : despite everything i still want you to be happy
Erick : Jen, I want that for you too.
Erick : More than you know
Jen : i just wish you hadn’t strung me along so long
Jen : it’d be easier on me
Erick : I didnt mean to string you along at all. It was a combination of my indecisiveness and fear of hurting you. I love you so much and seeing you in this much pain hurts me so bad.
Jen : i’m not going to lie, i am hurting alot right now.
Jen : yeah but you should have told me when you made the choice
Jen : not have waited until i made the decision
Erick : I should have. youre right.
Erick : I just didnt want to hurt you.
Erick : You dont deserve to be hurt like this.
Jen : when did you make the choice?
Erick : I was just waiting for some kind of miracle that would make it not hurt, I guess.
Jen : brb i need some tissue
Erick : Not long ago. Couple of days really.
Jen : why were you lying to me then?
Jen : that was cruel
Erick : No.
Erick : Like I said, trying to think of a way to make it less painful for you
Jen : why did you have sex with me?
Erick : Jen, Im so sorry.
Erick : I hadnt made up my mind at that point
Jen : i’m not saying this to be mean, but every serious point of convo we have had you have been lying about, how can i believe you?
Jen : you swore to me you wouldn’t lie to me anymore
Erick : I also said I wouldnt hurt you anymore
Erick : I guess to me it wasnt lying, just, i dunno, delaying things until I could find a way not to make it hurt
Erick : I know it sounds stupid
Jen : the longer you waited the more it hurts
Jen : i feel absolutely worthless, rejected
Erick : I know..and for some reason for some fucking reason I thought it would make things easier
Erick : Jen, no, please dont feel that way
Jen : over someone that has treated you like shit for over 2 years and a few weeks of her being civil makes up for everything
Jen : that makes me feel like total shit
Jen : i have bent over backwards to make you happy
Jen : the min she is nice you blow me off
Jen : that was wrong
Jen : it makes me wonder if you ever really loved me
Jen : if you did you wouldn’t have killed our relationship over something that may not even be worked out anyway
Jen : how could you want to stay friends?
Jen : what did i do wrong?
Erick : Oh Jen
Erick : You didnt do one single thing wrong
Erick : It was me
Erick : My stupidity
Erick : My indecisiveness
Jen : i have my you the center of my world for so long…… what do i do now?
Jen : 16 months down the toilet
Jen : our future together right along with it
Erick : Thats the reason I wanted to try to maintain a friendship
Erick : so the past 16 months wouldnt have been spent totally in vain. I need you in my life at least as a friend
Jen : do you have any idea what the thought of you with her does to me?
Jen : talking to you day after day knowing you’re with her and not me… i couldn’t bear that
Jen : it would be a constant reminder of what a fuck up i am
Erick : You didnt fuck up Jen
Erick : I did
Erick : We both know that
Jen : i knew better
Jen : but i bought into it
Jen : i’m just as much to blame as you
Jen : fuck me once shame on you
Jen : fuck me twice shame on me
Jen : its shame on me time
Erick : No, because I let it happen
Jen : i should have followed my instincts when i found out you were married
Jen : but i loved you so much
Jen : and i had this stupid idea in my head that you really loved me and we would eventually be together
Jen : i’m such a fucking fool
Erick : No youre not
Jen : everyone kept telling me, but my stubborn ass just wouldn’t listen
Erick : That doesnt make you a fool
Jen : what did it get me?
Jen : yes it does
Erick : No, it doesnt

Jen : i went against my own better judgment
Jen : i thought i had learned my lesson about listening to my heart before
Jen : i was wrong
Jen : at least it took me almost a year and a half to let myself fall again
Jen : never again
Jen : it may be good for awhile
Jen : but it always ends
Jen : and i can’t stand the feelings that come with it
Erick : Jen, youre going to find someone that will truly make you happy, I know in my heart that this is true.
Jen : i know time will heal it
Jen : but that doesn’t do shit for what i feel right now
Jen : right now, i have no idea how i’m going to face the world tomorrow

Jen : i’m not trying to make you feel bad
Jen : but you have been my best friend among other things for so long
Erick : I think everyone was expecting this day would come
Jen : and even that will be gone after tonight
Jen : i’m not talking about that
Erick : Youve been mine as well, Jen
Jen : remember when we almost broke up before and you said that when we fight and stuff and you think you are going to lose me you want to hurt yourself…
Jen : i’ve always been that way
Erick : Oh Jen, please, Im begging you, do not do that
Jen : i know
Jen : but i’m hurting so bad
Erick : Im not worth you doing any kind of harm to yourself, especially when none of this is your fault
Jen : i just want it to go away
Erick : Please, Jennifer, swear to me you wont do anything like that
Erick : Please
Jen : i wouldn’t want that on your conscience
Erick : Thats not why Im saying it
Jen : i’ll survive, i always do
Jen : just slightly more embittered
Erick : Im not evil, just stupid
Erick : very very stupid
Jen : you still have someone
Jen : be thankful
Erick : Youll find someone
Erick : I know this
Jen : i don’t want to
Jen : everytime i’ve tried it blows up
Jen : i don’t settle
Jen : i’ve never met anyone that i had the same connection with
Jen : i know you don’t take it seriously, but i do — even our astrology charts said soulmates
Jen : if i can’t have that, why bother
Jen : i’m not going to settle
Jen : ever hear the quote, don’t settle for the one you can live with, fight for the one you can’t live without?
Erick : yes
Jen : case in point
Jen : i have felt pain from breakups before, but nothing like this
Erick : You can live without me, you have before.
Jen : before i knew you
Jen : how can i go back to that?
Erick : I wish I could give you some kind of comfort
Erick : Ive wished that from the very beginning
Erick : Seems all I do is make things worse.
Jen : you shouldn’t have led me to believe you were going to leave her for me
Jen : i was ready to throw away everything for you
Erick : I shouldnt have lead myself to believe it either. I was going to leave. I never lied about that.
Erick : I wasnt playing with you, Jen
Jen : if you meant it, how could you let her civility toward you change it?
Jen : there had to be something more than that
Erick : Well, we are married. We had to have had some kind of meaningful connection at a point to commit to it. I guess I just thought about that.
Jen : please tell me there was, i can’t bear rejection over just her being civil, let me keep the last shred of dignity i have left… i had pretty much made this decision but a foolish part of me actually thought you would pick me and this worrying would have been over nothing.
Jen : why the hell didn’t you think of that before you fucked me?
Jen : you knew what you were doing
Jen : i let you make the choice
Erick : I wanted to see if I had just let things fade,
Erick : I dont know
Jen : i’m so fucking pathetic
Erick : No you arent!
Erick : Stop thinking that
Jen : at least this happened the 3rd instead of the 4th
Jen : erick you better tell her
Jen : she deserves to know
Erick : I will.
Jen : i wish you wouldn’t have promised to leave her for me
Jen : it gave me a false sense of security
Erick : I wished I would have been certain when I had promised
Jen : what will you do if she rejects you during your heart to heart?
Jen : before you tell her about me
Erick : I dont know
Jen : brb i need more tissue
Erick : Jen, please beleive me that I never meant for any of this
Erick : I really cant express how sorry I am.
Jen : i know
Jen : believe me i’m sorry too
Jen : i still feel like it was my fault
Jen : i should have seen it coming
Erick : You are such