Apr

20

Jell-O Wrestling

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Jess reminded me this morning that today is Felicia’s birthday and also the 4 year anniversary of our Jello Wrestling event for our local alternative/hard rock radio station.

I had pretty much forgotten about that experience.

It was so much fun though. We made 368 boxes of Jello and put it on a tarp in the back of Trevor’s truck and layered it with 25 big tubs of Cool Whip. That wasn’t enough so we added some spaghetti noodles and 25 big bags of jet puffed marshmallow to the mix.

Jess and Tori rode in the back of the truck to the radio station. I met up with Felicia and Courtney there. Jennifer, Dena, Lisa, Randy, and Brad jr showed up as well. The intern took me, Felicia, and Courtney upstairs and we got to talk on the radio for awhile (cheap thrill, I know), then we went downstairs and jumped into the bed of the truck with Tori and Jess, then Lisa and Jennifer got in. We wrestled around for about 30 mins, Felicia’s bikini top came off and Jennifer took her shirt off and the hooch wasn’t wearing a bra then 2 guys from the rather large crowd jumped in and joined us all. We pulled them down and got them messy as hell… that was a great time. I highly recommend Jello wrestling to everyone :D It’s really messy though. We were dyed red for 3 days…

After it was over we all drove to the car wash and let some of the guys hose us off :) Trevor taped it all, it was great.

I wish I still did crazy stuff like that. Hmm, maybe I still can…

Apr

18

Self-Disgust

Filed Under Bipolar Disorder, Thoughts | Leave a Comment

Why do I feel the need to blow money when I have it? why am I afraid of success, love, happiness?
I don’t know how to be happy, but i know how to be miserable. I’m a loser. I’m 24 getting damn near 25 and i still live with my grandparents. no one cares about me. i hate my life, i hate myself. i use the internet to escape from life. I’m grossly fat. Why is negativity and negative things the majority of what comes to my life? What do I do to turn my life around? How do I tell myself no? How do I tell anyone no for that matter? I have needed a good cry for weeks, but I can’t cry. Most of the time I wish I was dead. I cannot continue living like this. This is no life at all. I lost all my friends. My own fault mostly. I pushed them all away. I’ve been hurt so deeply, by so many people, its just easier to lock them out. I’m a coward.
My sister hates me. My mother hates me. i am a horrible person. I’ve always believed everything happens for a reason. What is the reason for everything I have been through? Will I ever get to be happy?

Apr

17

Raymond & Erick

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Ok, I had one of those wake-you-up-in-the-middle-of-the-night-epiphanies.

Tonight it was about Raymond. He called the night before last. Well, today he came up to my job and hung around until almost an hour after we closed. Every since I stopped sleeping with him and Brandi (his wife), I haven’t really talked to them too much. Most of it was because I’ve been too busy with work and school, but part of it was because of those unresolved/residual feelings I had for Raymond.
He was my first love, my first orgasm, my first fiancee, etc. after all.

We had a really horrible break up back in June 2000. There wasn’t really any time for closure. It took me 3 months before I could have sex with anyone else, and he doesn’t really count because it was Brian. It was a year and a half after the break up before I let myself start seriously dating. I guess it was a grace period or something… who knows.

Anyways, that person was Erick, the second love of my life. Those of you who have read my other entries know all about him. It was January ‘03 and we had been together 13 months (a little over 2 1/2 years after the breakup with Ray) when Ray found me on yahoo messenger, of all places. I had hated him for so long, and he just appeared out of the blue one day, pretty much asking for a truce.

That was sooooo weird, I can’t even explain it properly. We began talking, and very shortly afterward me and Erick’s relationship started going downhill. I was utterly confused. I was pushing Erick away and pulling Ray closer. To this day I still don’t know what the hell I was thinking. All I know is that I wasn’t doing any of it consciously. By the middle of March things were getting pretty bad between me and Erick. I think one of the main reasons for it was because March 1st I ran into Ray and Brandi at an ICP concert. Brandi was too much of a pussy to be in the pit, but I wasn’t, and guess who was next me… Ray. Surprise, surprise.

I was feeling so many emotions that night. The anger, resentment, bitterness, and also the love. I still loved him. How ridiculous was that? I told Erick about the concert, and of course we fought about it. We continued to fight about it for 2 weeks. It got to the point where I wasn’t even sure if I loved Erick anymore. One night, after a particularly bad talk, I got a wild hair up my ass and drove 600 miles to see him. I had to know if I still loved him or if he had only become a habit. I needed to know because I was supposed to move up there to be with him in May or June. He was planning the split from his wife and everything. Well, I got there (drove through a 3 state wide storm) and he came to my motel. Things were a little awkward at first, but we got through it and ended up having sex. I still felt an attraction for him and cared deeply for him, but it wasn’t anything like our previous meetings. I stayed for a couple days. We kind of reaffirmed our feelings for each other and I went back home. Things went great for a week and a half, then it was right back to the way it was. Then as you already know, we split up april 3rd, the night before our 16 month anniversary. 2 weeks later, I started hanging out with Ray and soon after, the menage a trois began.

All during that, I still had some feelings for Ray. Part of me wanted us to get back together. Now, 9 months after the end of the threesomes, I’m over it. It may have happened before today, but I just realized it today while he was at my job. He called me 4 times today, just to talk or whatever. I can honestly say that I am completely over Raymond and I’m thrilled about it. I never thought I would see the day when I didn’t still hold a little yearning for a reconciliation. I know now, without a doubt, that we would never work out. We are too different and too alike in all the wrong areas. The one and only place we are perfect together is in bed, and that is hardly enough to build a life together around.

Apr

13

Brian

Filed Under Events, Family & Friends, Flashbacks, Guys, Relationships, Sexcapades, Thoughts | 1 Comment

Ok, so here is my horoscope. “An old lover is about to make contact, after months or even years of yearning after your incredible connection. Be careful not to let old issues interfere with what could be a whole new beginning.”

That is really freaky because I saw Brian Brian, AKA Brian, the other day. I was at work and I happened to look out the window. Well, right then a blazer looking vehicle was slowing down and the passenger damned near crawled over the driver’s lap to look inside the restaurant. When he saw I was looking he started waving like a mad man… at first I was like WTF… but then I realized it was Brian. The night before I dreamed that me and Brian met up again and got back together.

I wouldn’t call it an incredible connection, but it was something, that’s for sure. He was damned near the worst boyfriend a could ever girl have. He was a lying, cheating, manipulative dumb ass, but he could always make me laugh.

Read more…

Apr

4

I talked to Mike a few mins ago…

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I just got off the phone with Mike. He seems to be doing a little better. I feel bad for him. He knows now that if he ever needs to talk I’ll be here for him. He asked if he can call me tomorrow. :) I told him he could and that he could stop by my job and get lunch tomorrow.

He was telling me about his motorcycles. He has 2. He didn’t come across as the motorcycle type to me before, but hey… :D Maybe he’s a bad boy after all.

I’m feeling pretty happy right now.

After all my Erick posts, I decided to go read some of my archives from after we broke up. I haven’t spoken to him since the middle of November. I can’t help but wonder how he’s doing. Despite everything, we had a great friendship. I miss that more than anything and I would like to rekindle it, so I made a new id and left him an offline message. We’ll see how it turns out.

It’s been long enough. I think we could maintain a friendship now. I’ve moved on, and I’m sure he has. I at least want him to know I have forgiven him, and I mean it this time. I’m well over the rage and anger.

I’ll be damned, time does heal all wounds.