Jess (my sis) and I got home from the hospital this morning about 4am. They admitted uncle Don. The dr said his body couldn’t decide if it wanted to have a heart attack or stroke. Last night was crazy. After we got home it took me quite awhile to fall asleep, and sure enough shortly afterwards, the damned alarm went off.

Work blew goat balls today. I was so damned tired. I skipped class tonight and took a nap. I woke up a couple hours ago and can’t get back to sleep yet so I’m spending quality time with my computer.

Mike & I have been talking more. Thursday, he invited me out for dinner. I invited him to come up to Ron’s (my job) for lunch, but he was trying to hurry up & finish his route because he got a call from his mother’s nurse that she had only a few days left (she’s dying of cancer), so he wants to spend as much time w/her as he can. I felt so bad for him, but I didn’t really know what to say.

I went to the bar last night, for the first time in quite awhile. Brad, Lisa, Randy & mom talked me into going. I didn’t think I would have fun, but I wanted to get out of the house for a little while. Within 2 mins of being there I ran into people I used to know. The first one was Dawn. I worked with her for a little while at the sheridan ron’s. Then I was standing in line to get a drink and Shawna came up to me. I hadn’t talked to her in over a year. Her husband’s band was playing there. I sat with Brad and them for awhile, but went over to where Shawna was. We caught up. I got drunk. It felt pretty damn good to be able to forget about my worries and problems for awhile. I’ve been so busy with work and school and hiding behind my keyboard I haven’t had much fun. I’m finally emerging from my depression and I am so thankful. Severe depression is a prison and it’s time about damn time I get paroled.

Mom said T-bone has been calling everyday. I wish he would go away. I’m not going to let that crap ruin my mood. I got to sleep a little late and I don’t have a hangover.

I sat there, watching them. One by one. Each one was unique, except for the fact that they were trying to escape from something. I wondered about what had happened to each one of them. We all have our personal tragedies, granted some are worse than others, but we all have suffered at some point. In that sense we are the kindred, we are the poor, we are the people that need to abuse something (whether it be cigarettes, drugs, alcohol. sex, or food) to escape and feel better. I’m siting here half drunk and half stoned. It feels good to escape. I haven ‘t felt this numb in years… it feels great. I can sit back and forget about everything for a little while.

I am able to step back and analyze things from a detached perspective.

Larry began molesting me when I was 6 years old & mom was pregnant with David. After David was born, he began beating me & mom & continued the molesting. I told my mom 3 years later, while she was pregnant with Jess. They were fighting & she had kicked him out. I foolishly thought I could finally let her in on the secret that had been eating away at me. She ranted & raved & swore he would pay, but less than a week later she let him come back & I was thought of as the liar. To this day she doesn’t acknowledge what Larry did to me & continued to do until she finally left him- 5 days after my 12th birthday. That is one of the fundamental issues in our relationship. I still hold a lot of resentment towards her. If she would just admit it, then maybe I could forgive her…

I talked to my mom Saturday & she said there was a number on her caller id from my (paternal) grandma. I told her I didn’t care & I didn’t want the phone number. Well I talked to her again on Sunday & she said they called again & she answered it out of curiosity. She said it wasn’t Eulah, it was my dad.

My dad! Ha! He doesn’t know the meaning of the word. He was never my dad. He only came around when he wanted something. He never wanted me or gave 2 shits about what happened to me. He is nothing more than the sperm donor to me. That’s the way I have thought of him for well over 10 years. Why the hell is he trying to come back around now? He must have some ulterior motives.