Here is my diary entry from last night (early this morning) I was messed up when I wrote it, but it still makes sense.

I sit here wondering exactly what I want to do with my life. Not what I “should” do or “need” to do. I’m sick of living my life as “everyone” expects me to. I’m sick to of it. Where has it gotten me?

It’s New Years Day 2:14am: a time for a new beginning. However cheesy it may sound, “today is the first day of the rest of my life.” This is the opportunity to start everything over. I may not be able to turn back the clock and fix my mistakes or better yet my errors, but I can learn from them and break this vicious cycle my life has become.

It is time to face my past, deal with it, accept it and let it go. The lesson I must learn at this point of my life is to just fucking LET GO! This is the day I take back my life. What have I got to lose? Misery? That’s all I have left… It may seem strange, but I will miss it. It has been one of the few constants in my life. I will have to overcome my fears of change and intimacy. I will break this cycle. My happiness is in my hands and my hands ONLY.

I can do it! I will do it… there is no other choice.

I haven’t written in a long time, really written anyways (besides journals). I didn’t realize how much I’ve missed it. I don’t know when exactly I stopped, but I have a probable reason. Fear. Fear has ruled my life for so long. So many things became clear tonight. I don’t know where to begin and my thoughts are going way faster than my fingers.

One of the things that plagues me the most are my past loves. I haven’t been able to completely let them go. I hold on to whatever scrap of hope they throw to me. It’s pathetic really. I allow myself to be manipulated. Why? How can I keep letting myself repeat the same errors over and over? Why do I sabatoge myself? These are difficult questions I must find the solution to in the coming year.

My new year’s Goals

I’m not making the traditional new years resolutions. No one ever lives up to them. These are my for 2004:

- stop letting myself be held back
- follow my dreams
- myself
- get help if necessary
- volunteer for Call Rape
- get involved with life
- learn to make the right decisions
- get healthy
- get out of here
- stop procrastinating
- sever ties where necessary
- forgive those who have wronged me
- lighten up
- allow myself to be happy
- give blood more often
- start writing again

They have nothing to do with losing , stopping smoking etc…

Current Music: three days grace – self titled cd
Current Mood: determined

On this day..