I embrace the label of BBW (big beautiful woman) aka Fat Girl. Labels and stereotypes are everywhere. If you can’t beat them, join them. Most BBWs get offended when called fat chicks. I don’t. That’s what we are. We aren’t thin - we are FAT. Fat isn’t a four letter word. It’s just another description. I’m FAT!!!! So fucking what. My weight doesn’t define who I am as a person. All it says is I like to eat. Is that so wrong?

I’ve been talking to this woman on the Good Charlotte messageboard for a few days. She is very inquisitive and I have found myself telling her things I haven’t really talked to anyone about. It’s crazy how easy it is to confide in an absolute stranger. I’m beginning to wonder if she is writing a book or something. I’ll include some of our messages here. This is the first one I saved. She had told me she was married and from Nebraska. I told her I was involved with a married man from there until April. Told her how we met and stuff.

Anyways here is the rest of that convo:

Her: so how did ya meet a guy on the net? You came up to Ne to see him? How did ya find out on your own he was a married man. What a sneak. Ok was it not hard to think that he was also with someone else? was he a great guy?

ME: lol funny story actually. one night i had some friends over, and we got drunk. one of them was an ex bf. i was in a chatroom and the ex came into my bedroom. we started making out and ending up having sex, and it was all on my cam. about 10 mins later this guy messaged me, asking me what was going on, cuz everyone one was talking about my cam but it was maxed out and he couldn’t get in. i told him. we ended up talking for awhile. then we talked the next night and the next. we would literally talk for hours. it wasn’t rare for us to chat for 6 straight hours. in retrospect there were some clues that he was married, but i didn’t pick up on them. he NEVER hinted it though. we had been chatting for months and i decided to go meet him for my vacation. we got there & everything was cool except he was adamant about not letting us stay at his house. that was a warning bell but i dismissed it cuz he let us meet his bandmates that night. they didn’t let on that he was married or anything. we spent all the next day together & most of that night. i decided to switch hotels. i called his cell but it had been cut off. i realized that i didn’t know his home phone number so i grabbed the phonebook. he had told me his last name was matthews so i looked & couldn’t find his name. I remembered that all his emails had the initial R so i looked under the Rs & sure enough there was his name & Amanda. i was in shock to say the least. i loved him so much. i checked into a hotel that was about 2 blocks from his house & left a note on his windsheild at work. he came to the hotel & we went for a walk to the park. it was totally romantic. after about 2 hrs he was like well i better get home. so we started walking back & i stopped & asked him if his last name was really matthews. he stopped & hesitated & then was like No & told me his real last name. i hugged him for telling me the truth. then i was like “i know” & i took out the phone book page from my back pocket & he broke down. i had been prepared to go off on him, but his reaction caught me offguard. i just wanted to comfort him. we sat there talking for an hour or so. then we finally walked back to the hotel. he gave me a hug & was like i really want to kiss you right now & i was like ok, what could it hurt. we kissed & i swear i have never felt anything like that before. i literally got weak in the knees. the next night we made love for the first time & again the night after that etc. it was really hard to think of him w/ someone else. after i got home we talked alot about that & he promised he wouldn’t have sex w/her. i wouldn’t have believed him, but he put it on his daughter. i was still jealous of amanda & it was hard for me to believe anything he said. in some ways i think he is the sorriest son of bitch i have ever met, but at the same time i know he’s a good guy. i felt then & i still feel now that he is my soulmate. we loved each other dearly, but love isn’t enough sometimes.

HER: Oh man. That would be a tough one. To think of someone as your soulmate and to know he is with someone else. That would just be hard. SO where was this wife while he was on line? Did you ever see a picture of her? Wow so ppl saw you on the webcam? I have not found my soulmate and i never will. I will just settle for what i have. I have a house & three great boys and a husband. not a soul mate. There have been times when he was gonna leave, i think back and why didnt he. I mean i think he had an affair, he said nothing happened but i dont think that can be true. Man i could go on. I love him but im not in love with him. well i hope that you are happy now and can find someone who is single & makes you happy.

ME: she was in bed or at work. they worked opposite schedules. it was really difficult the first month. i got really depressed and tried to kill myself on April 4, 2003 (the night we broke up). I took 180 zoloft and a big bottle of tylenol pm. Good Charlotte is the reason I’m still here. I was lying on my bed, waiting to die. My sis had left her new GC cd in the computer and it was playing on repeat. As I was wishing to hurry up and die “hold on” came on. I laid there listening and burst into tears. It was the most beautiful song I had ever heard. I got up and put the song on repeat. By then I was feeling very weak. I started convulsing, my balance was way off and I was having hot flashes something terrible. I decided then, that things would get better and I should hold on to life. I stumbled to the bathroom, no easy feat in my condition and made myself start vomitting. I couldn’t stand, my legs were twitching like crazy, the room was spinning and it was sooo hot. I crawled to the tub and tried to stand. My balance was off and I knocked a lot of stuff in the floor and bathtub. I turned the water on cold and got in, clothes and all. I laid there, wondering if I got enough of the pills out of my system. I have no clue how long i was in there. I finally cooled off, so i stripped and crawled out of the tub and back to my room. I went to sleep, wondering if I would awaken the next morning. My granny and sis tried to wake me up, I was still convulsing and running a temp of 103.2. Granny assumed I was sick and called into work for me. I never told my family about it or anything. they just thought i had food poisoning. needless to say, after that experience i won’t ever try that again. i still have some days when i miss him or hate him, but i cope.

I’ve seen a picture of her. she isn’t as big as i am, but she’s ugly. all that matters is that you are happy. what you said is how erick feels. we still talk sometimes. he swears to me that he told her about the affair, but i still think he’s lying. i wish there was a way of knowing for sure.

HER: what do you mean as big as i am? Is she one of them tiny ass chicks, ugh! ha sorry, cause im not skinny my no means. So you still chat, or he calls you? How old is his kid and how long were they married? Sorry im a person that does ask alot of questions.

MY REPLY:no, she’s not tiny. she’s big too, but i’m bigger. at least i am in the pic i seen of her. we still chat. most of the time i stay off yahoo, or go to bed before he gets off work. they got engaged after knowing each other for a month. they have been married 7 years. we hooked up about 2 years ago and broke up in april. his daughter annika is almost 2 1/2. she was 6 months old when we met, but i had no clue about her until she was 14 months old. while amanda was at work, he would put annika on web cam and mic and we would talk, so she did know me. then my last trip up there we met and hung out while manda was at work. me and annika hit it off really well. she’s an adorable child, but i don’t want to play mommy to someone else’s child, especially when i’m not even ready to have my own children. i also didn’t want to move 600 miles from home to be with a man i loved, but couldn’t bring myself to trust. all my fears and things came to a head and i broke it off. they came to a head when they did cuz i was supposed to move there in June. by april i was really having a lot of doubts.

HER:I cant believe he had you talk to his daughter, that just seems kinda strange. So he was willing to divorce, or was that not an option, since you have commented on the child issue. How can you know you want to marry someone after only knowing them one month, i dont think you can.
ME:he planned on leaving/divorcing her as soon as i moved up there. but in march i ran into my ex fiancee and some unresolved feelings emerged. i became confused. i wondered how i could be in love with erick and still be attracted and care for Raymond, especially after what raymond had put me through. then i was worried that erick and amanda would work things out, among other things. it just got too complicated. i made a trip up there during the last few weeks of march to see if i still felt the same for erick. there was still an awesome chemistry, but i just couldn’t put myself in the situation of being devastated more later. i didn’t feel as strongly for him as i once had. i lost myself in my relationship with him. i am still trying to find that person i was before our relationship.

HER: So are you seeing your ex then. so did you drive up here alone or would someone come up with ya?

ME: in may i started hanging out with my ex and his wife. one night we got drunk and they seduced me. we have a menage a trois thing going on. the first time i went to NE, i took my sister & cousin with me. the others i went alone.

Today is my grandparents’ 48th anniversary. 48 years!!! That is crazy. I couldn’t imagine spending 48 years of my life with one man. I found out something I didn’t know about them today. They had only known each other a week when they got engaged. A week! How in the hell could they have known within a week that they would spend the rest of their lives together? When I got engaged after being with Raymond for 3 months, they lectured me. They ended up being right, but that is beside the point. Their marriage has had its ups and downs, but they have always gotten past it. I wonder if I will ever find something like that. I thought I found it with Raymond, then later with Erick. If I knew then what I know now……

After work, Jess (my sis), Tori (my cousin), and I went shopping. I blew over 100 bucks on some clothes I didn’t really need. They are sooo cute though. Then I went to Walgreen’s. I had only gone in there for a bottle of hair spiking glue and I blew another 100 bucks on makeup and hair shit I didn’t really need. That money would have came in useful during our Houston trip next week. Oh well. I swear I cannot hold on to money. I have a shopping problem. It makes me feel so good while I’m doing it, but once I get home, I feel like shit. For example, I spent $400 on a system a few weeks ago. Then the same night I went to Wal-Mart and blew another $400 on a digital camera and a bunch of other crap I didn’t need. I guess I’m improving, I only spent a 1/4 of that today. I have so much damn makeup, and I hardly ever wear it. So why do I feel I must continue to buy it all the time? I swear I am losing it……

Here I am again. I couldn’t sleep longer than 5 hours. I was having weird dreams again, but I don’t remember what they were. I’ve been sitting here thinking about the 2 men I have loved most in my life.

I have always felt everything happens for a reason. Sometimes it may take me years to figure out that reason, but I always do it. I’ve already told the story of Erick & me. We broke up 6 months ago & I still can’t let myself get attached to another man. Well a new one at least. I guess I’ll talk about the twisted relationship I’ve had with Raymond.