Hello,

I have a serious problem. This is going to be a really long email, but I think you should know everything in order to give proper advice about the situation.

I am in a net relationship. We met online in Nov 2001 and have been “together” since Dec 2001. We had plans to meet each other in person (he lives 600 miles from me) in August 2002. About a week before the trip, I got an email (we usually talked through instant messages on yahoo) that his had changed for me, blah blah blah. He basically broke off our relationship in an email. Warning sirens were blaring in my head. It caught me totally offguard since things had seemed like they always had, even better in some ways. So that evening he got online and we talked. Well, I talked (bitched) and he listened. He sat there listening to me for over 2 hours. The next day I ran into an ex that wanted to go out that night so I did. When I got home was waiting online for me. A mutual net friend of ours told me that he had been talking to her about it and that when he found out I was on a date he started drinking and just seemed sad.
While I was gone, my sister signed on my screenname and he immediately messaged her (thinking it was me) and said “so did you get lucky?” When I got home and she told me that, I knew in my heart he did still me. We talked more over the next few days. Each day I had a stronger feeling that he was still in with me. I decided to take the leap and go see him anyway. I didn’t tell him until the night before and I didn’t get online the next morning so he couldn’t talk me out of it. My sister, cousin, and I hopped into my car and off we went. When I pulled into the parking lot of his job, he happened to be taking out the trash. My heart leap into my throat and my stomach was doing cartwheels. We hugged and talked for a minute then he went back to . We waited for him to get off . The girls and I decided to go grab a bite to eat while he went home and showered. We met back up at a parking lot and just talked and stuff for awhile. Then the sleeping arrangements came up. Before the breakup we had planned on staying at his house, so I had assumed that would still be the plan. Boy, was I wrong. He was very clear that we couldn’t stay at his house.

Again the bells were ringing in my head. I was pissed off at him about it. For one, he didn’t tell me before I left that we would have to stay in a motel and secondly, I didn’t really have the to stay in a motel for a week. Anyways, we ended up going with him to his band practice. We hung out with them for hours, then everyone left. We had no place to go. So we slept in the car (which he knew we would be doing). About 4 hours later, we woke up and decided to get a hotel. I called him and let him know where we were. He was relieved to hear from me. He said he was worried that I decided to leave. He made us lunch and brought it over. The girls went swimming and we stayed in the room talking, flirting, and watching tv. He was a perfect gentleman, but it was obvious there was chemistry between us. He ended up staying until around 2am. He left to go to his bandmates’ house.

He came back at 4am and stayed til after 7am. The next day we went to a different hotel, but we couldn’t tell him. He was off work. I didn’t know where he lived. I didn’t have his home phone number, and his cell got shut off. So the girls and I just hung out all day. The next morning before we left, I was wondering about him. So I grabbed the phone book and started looking for his last name… no luck. Then I remembered all his emails said Erick R. so I began looking under the R’s instead of the M’s. Bingo! There it was. But, much to my dismay, shock, and heartache it said R_____, Erick and Amanda. I didn’t know what to do. I was in utter shock. I tore out the page. The girls and I packed up the hotel room and loaded the car. We were in search of a more reasonable room. I couldn’t help myself from driving by the address from the phonebook. There wasn’t anyone home. As chance would have it, there was a cheap motel less than a block away. We checked in.

During all this time, Erick was at work. Me and went for a walk. There was a car in the driveway, but it wasn’t his. I glanced at it and noticed one of those sunblocker things on the back window. My heart sank, I knew that it was to block the sun from a child. I had my cousin go up to the car to look and sure enough, there was a child’s car seat in it. It took all my control to not burst into tears. My head was spinning. and I drove to his job and left a note on his windshield with the name of motel and room number. We sat across the street and waited for him to get off work. Then we followed him. I was secretly hoping against hope that wasn’t his house, but it was. We drove around for a few minutes. When we got back to the motel, we sat in some chairs outside talking. Within 10 minutes, Erick pulled in the driveway, coming from the opposite direction of his house. He thought he was fooling someone. When he got out and came up to us and started talking like everything was normal, I just wanted to beat the hell out of him. However, I controlled myself.

I yearned to talk to him alone. I knew the truth, but I still hoped it was just a misunderstanding. I asked him if he wanted to go for a walk and off we went. We walked to a neighborhood park about 3 blocks away. We talked. I tried to act like nothing was wrong. It took all my self control to keep from fronting on him. I reached out for his hand. I was looking for a white line from his ring, but it was dark outside. We played on the swings, then the sprinklers. For some reason, I asked him if he had a wife and kid at home. He was silent for a minute, looked away and said “uh”. I was like “was that a yes ‘uh’ or a no ‘uh’”. He said it was a no. I fought the urge to slap him. We walked over to the fountain. I stood up on the ledge. He walked over to me and we stood there, just holding each other. A few times we almost kissed, but he kept pulling back. After we had been there about 2 hours, he said he needed to get home soon. So we started walking back.

We got to the edge of the park and I couldn’t stand it anymore. I said, “is your last name really Matthews?” He stopped, faced me, and said, “No. It’s R____.” It made me happy that he told me the truth. I gave him a hug and said, “I know. Thanks for telling me the truth.” He looked puzzled. I pulled the phonebook page from my back pocket and showed it to him. I had the names circled. He looked at it and immediately started crying. He kept apologizing and crying. We sat there for another 2-3 hours talking. The only thing that kept me from hitting him was his tears. That was the last reaction I expected. I could tell he was sincere.

He kept telling me about how he wanted to tell me so many times, but he was afraid he would lose me and how unhappy he was in his marriage. Finally, we walked back to my motel. We were standing by his car and he said, “I really want to kiss you.” I said, “what could it hurt?” He kissed me. I had never felt so much in one kiss. I literally got weak in the knees and he got physically aroused. He left. The next day the girls and I got a campsite. We were scraping money together now. He came over that night and we ended up having . I let him make the first move, I didn’t want to pressure him. It took him well over an hour to work up the nerve. Afterwards, I knew he felt guilty and he left. I felt somewhat used.
All the next day I kept telling myself it would never happen again. Well, he came over again. And we made love. The connection I felt in his kiss a few nights before was there again. It was an incredible experience.

Afterwards he didn’t just hurry up and leave. We cuddled, talked, held hands, and took a walk. He told me that he loved me (for the first time in person). We were back together. The next day was his band’s gig. The girls and I loaded up and went. We had . While he was talking to his friends, I walked off. I was uncomfortable around them knowing they had covered for him. I thought they thought I was a fool. I had gone over to my car. I opened the door and sat down, and there he was. He could tell something was bothering me. We talked and I told him. During that conversation, the topic of me moving up there came up. He wanted it. He said he would leave his wife for me. So it was decided.

After the gig the girls and I went back home to Oklahoma. He knew I had loose ends to tie up and that it would be a minimum of nine months before I could move. We continued our online romance, talking everynight etc. He stopped having sex with his wife and started sleeping on the couch. I know it sounds hard to believe, but he hasn’t had sex with her since July 2002. He put that on his daughter and I believe him.

In January 2003, we planned on me going to see him around spring break. About three weeks before the trip he started acting distant. He wasn’t getting online everynight to talk to me like he usually did. The next week he had some bad news for me. Apparently, his brother in law was moving in that weekend and it would be too hard for him to sneak out of the house. So the trip would have to be delayed. I was very upset about this. Over the next week things got worse. We were arguing alot and I had this nagging feeling that something was wrong.

I was scared I was losing him. Then March 18th (around 3am) I couldn’t take it anymore. He had actually gotten online. I had to know what was going on between us. I told him that I had a feeling him and his wife were rekindling their relationship or at least having sex. He said no to both. Then he said,”well, when i say no sex, i mean that…however, to be honest….manda and i have been trying to kind of… i dunno… repair… salvage I guess…. we’ve been talkin alot more. we havent really flat out said it to each other, but, i dunno, it seems like thats whats happening. just been more civil to each other, I guess.” I told him that was why I’d been having that nagging feeling and I said, “when were you going to tell me about it? when yall had completely rekindled?”

He said, “no. like i said, i dont know if id even call it rekinling. It will be easier to just copy and paste some of the convo from my message archive.
him (4:07:55 AM): at this point were just kinda….i dunno….
him (4:08:27 AM): were not really all lovey dovey, but were not at each others throats anymore
him (4:08:35 AM): i dunno, kinda hard to describe.
me(4:09:14 AM): so should i bow out gracefully?
him (4:09:25 AM): I dont know
me (4:10:06 AM): you can’t be in love with 2 women at the same time
him (4:10:00 AM): it wouldnt be fair to you if manda & i had patched things up, and just left ya hanging
me (4:10:21 AM): no it wouldn’t
him (4:10:35 AM): but, at the same time, jen, i dont want to lose any of this
him (4:10:45 AM): i do still love you
me (4:11:03 AM): but at the same time, it wouldn’t be fair for you to have to stay with her when you could have better
me (4:11:09 AM): then nip it in the bud
me (4:11:23 AM): don’t stay with her out of obligation
him (4:11:21 AM): im just really confused
me (4:11:34 AM): and don’t stay with me for any reason other than being in love with me
me (4:11:59 AM): i may not deserve much, but i do deserve to be with someone that is in love with me
him (4:11:51 AM): ive never been so mixed up emotionally before
him (4:12:06 AM): You deserve only the best, Jen
him (4:12:15 AM): and I say that in all honesty
me (4:12:28 AM): she clearly has the advantage
me (4:12:35 AM): she lives with you
him (4:12:28 AM): well, yeah
me(4:12:40 AM): she is married to you, she has your child, i am just a net chick 600 miles away.
him (4:12:52 AM): No youre not
him (4:13:00 AM): Youre more than that to me
him (4:13:23 AM): I genuinely care about you.
me (4:13:58 AM): i know that
him (4:14:21 AM): and I dont know what would be the best thing for me to do: hold on to a relationship
with you, or letting you find happiness with someone else…
him (4:14:26 AM): I want you to be happy
him (4:14:37 AM): be it with me or whoever
me (4:14:48 AM): but if you find yourself making up with your wife, that clearly says you don’t expect
more from our relationship
me (4:15:39 AM): you make me happy
me (4:15:48 AM): but you also make me scared
him (4:15:37 AM): I just dont feel its fair for you to be there…languishing away in front of your computer
waiting for me, when you could be missing your chance to be happy
me (4:16:00 AM): and i’m always insecure
me (4:16:08 AM): i hardly do that
me (4:16:18 AM): i used to
him (4:16:09 AM): lol good
me (4:16:26 AM): when i was depressed and stuff
him (4:16:25 AM): im glad you dont do that anymore
me (4:16:39 AM): but i go out and all that now
him (4:16:29 AM): it’s not healthy
me (4:16:51 AM): but i don’t get closer to other men
me (4:17:04 AM): because to me, its cut and dried i only want you
him (4:17:19 AM): see, thats where i feel im…i dunno…cheating you out of a chance to find happiness easier than with me, ya know?
me (4:17:53 AM): things easily gotten are quickly forgotten
me (4:18:17 AM): working so hard to be together will make us appreciate it 100 times more when we are
together
him (4:18:09 AM): yeah but ya gotta admit our situation is a pain in both our asses
me (4:18:32 AM): yes it is less than ideal
me (4:18:42 AM): but it is still worth it
him (4:18:35 AM): thats a nice way of putting it
me (4:18:54 AM): i have never loved someone as much as i love you
me (4:20:07 AM): but the last thing i want is to be off in my own world thinking everything is fine and we are going to be together in a matter of months, and then get slapped with the reality of you and manda reconciling
me (4:20:34 AM): the only way to end the confusion is to either end things with me
me (4:20:44 AM): or stop making up with manda
him (4:22:29 AM): I dont want to end things with you, jen. Im so afraid that if I do, things will be negatively different between us. If our relationship were to end, I would want to remain friends with you, because I really care about you, and I enjoy talkin to you so much.
me (4:24:14 AM): i feel the same. but realistically, i don’t think i could be just friends with you at least not for a very long time. i just got to where i can be civil, friendly even, with ray and its been over 2 1/2 years
him (4:24:35 AM): well, id like to think our relationship was different than yours & rays
me (4:25:08 AM): events yes
me (4:25:22 AM): circumstances, not too different
him (4:25:24 AM): i dunno, i just wish you could see my perspective on all of this…i feel so torn, and
just….lost
me (4:26:38 AM): ray was my first love, we were happy, then i got hurt. you are my deepest love, we have been
together longer than any of my exes, but in the end i’m going to get hurt if you stay with your wife
me (4:26:50 AM): so you see, the circumstances aren’t so different
him (4:26:55 AM): I dont want to hurt you again though
me (4:27:28 AM): i do understand your perspective
him (4:27:27 AM): i dont want to hurt you
me (4:27:51 AM): you have to ask yourself, do you really want to be with manda
me (4:27:57 AM): or with me
me (4:28:12 AM): don’t bring anna into this part
him (4:28:07 AM): i cant answer that right now, because I really dont know
me (4:28:44 AM): so you are going to continue making up with her?
him (4:29:08 AM): If she continues to make an effort, i feel i should try as well
me (4:30:35 AM): then she has won. there isn’t anything i can do to keep you. i’m 600 miles away.
him (4:31:56 AM): jen im sorry you ever met me
me (4:32:13 AM): i can’t keep you happy, maybe she can
me (4:33:03 AM): i’m not. i’m just sorry i fooled myself into thinking you would choose me over her.
him (4:32:59 AM): im sorry ive done this to you
him (4:33:28 AM): it always seems like everything i do, i fuck up at, no matter how good my intentions
are…
me (4:33:58 AM): same here
me (4:34:04 AM): case in point
him (4:34:18 AM): So, what do we do now?
me (4:35:55 AM): i don’t want to lose you, but i can’t stand back on the sidelines while you and your wife
are in the process of making up. that would utterly devastate me, more than it already has.
me (4:36:24 AM): i’m fighting a losing battle
me (4:36:37 AM): you already said you would continue as long as she does
me (4:36:46 AM): that leaves me out in the cold
me (4:36:55 AM): i refuse to be the backup
him (4:36:54 AM): I wouldnt let you be
him (4:37:05 AM): That wouldnt be fair to you
him (4:37:35 AM): and i couldnt do that to you
him (4:37:44 AM): ive done enough
me (4:37:56 AM): either you chose me and we be together or you chose her. i hate ultimatums but i’m
just going to get hurt more if you don’t make a choice.
him (4:38:03 AM): i know
me (4:38:16 AM): i thought we could do the wait and see thing
me (4:38:29 AM): but that was before you told me yall are making up
him (4:38:40 AM): well that was before an effort was put forth
me (4:38:57 AM): i’m not even in the running if i can’t be there with you
him (4:39:14 AM): i know. And I wouldnt want to just leave you hangin
me (4:39:34 AM): well up until she decided she don’t want you to leave her, you wanted me
me (4:39:48 AM): now that she is being nice to you, its to hell with jen
me (4:39:50 AM): that isn’t fair
him (4:39:47 AM): I didnt say that
him (4:40:03 AM): and thats so not true
him (4:40:21 AM): i thought you understood my perspective
me (4:41:09 AM): i do, to a point
me (4:41:14 AM): then mine takes over
me (4:41:29 AM): i don’t know what’s going on
him (4:41:19 AM): well, “to hell wih jen” is not my perspective
me (4:41:54 AM): i don’t know if you are trying to make up with her out of , or love
me (4:42:26 AM): i don’t know if you want to be with me
me (4:42:37 AM): she has a much stronger hold on you than u let on in the past
him (4:42:50 AM): I dont even know what i want
me (4:44:19 AM): i don’t know what to tell you
him (4:44:24 AM): You shouldnt have to tell me anything, jen
him (4:44:43 AM): other than “Erick, youre a big nerd”
me (4:45:07 AM): but can you in good conscience keep me hanging while you are trying to make up with her
him (4:45:03 AM): No
me (4:45:17 AM): you have to cut one of us loose
me (4:45:34 AM): and it looks like its going to be me
me (4:45:55 AM): i have nothing for you but my love
him (4:46:08 AM): and I value that more than youll ever know, Jen.
me (4:46:58 AM): i want us more than anything, but you have to want it to
him (4:46:59 AM): But. it would be selfish of me to keep it under the circumstances
him (4:47:18 AM): I want you to be happy, Jen.
him (4:47:35 AM): I want that so much.
me (4:48:02 AM): i’m happy with you
him (4:47:54 AM): and i thought i could make you happy, but im not
me (4:48:16 AM): you were til you started making up with her
me (4:48:31 AM): just stop it
me (4:48:32 AM): for us
me (4:48:39 AM): please
me (4:48:43 AM): she had her chance with you
him (4:48:49 AM): jen, ive felt like ive stopped making you happy ever since you found out about manda
him (4:49:15 AM): I feel that you think every thing i tell you is a lie
me (4:49:39 AM): her lover probably dumped her
him (4:49:35 AM): that i have to be online with you every free chance i have
him (4:50:17 AM): I feel that youre judging me
me (4:50:32 AM): how?
him (4:50:32 AM): that youre suspicious of me
me (4:50:58 AM): how am i judging you?
him (4:51:06 AM): well, more that youre suspicious of me rather than judging me, I guess
me (4:51:43 AM): my only suspicions have always come true
him (4:51:38 AM): and I dont blame you if you are
me (4:52:13 AM): except the sex thing, and that’s just a matter of time
him (4:52:08 AM): but, it makes me uncomforatble knowing you dont me, and how can you say youre
happy if you dont trust me
me (4:52:53 AM): i do trust you, just not completely again, yet
me (4:53:01 AM): and i was still happy
him (4:53:04 AM): exactly…that frustrates the hell out of me
me (4:53:18 AM): you are making me feel bad for not trusting you completely
him (4:53:10 AM): i cant be happy like that
me (4:53:28 AM): trust isn’t re-earned over night
him (4:53:18 AM): Well, no
him (4:53:28 AM): i know
me (4:53:40 AM): you betrayed me
him (4:53:34 AM): i did, i know
me (4:53:49 AM): it takes time to regain the trust
him (4:53:45 AM): jen I need time
him (4:53:49 AM): i really do
me (4:54:01 AM): i felt there was a lot of progress
him (4:53:51 AM): Ive said it before
him (4:54:07 AM): I really need time to straighten shit out in my head and my heart
me (4:54:26 AM): ok. then there is nothing else left for me to say
me (4:54:44 AM): i’ll give you your space
me (4:55:02 AM): but at least have the decently to dump me before you have sex with her again
me (4:55:26 AM): and not in an email either
him (4:55:25 AM): I thought you knew me better than that at least
me (4:55:52 AM): i did until a few weeks ago
me (4:56:14 AM): when you told me that sometimes you would get online and talk to me after sleeping with
her before we met in person
me (4:56:44 AM): that hurt me all over again
him (4:56:39 AM): im sorry
me (4:56:51 AM): and that was when i started detaching from you
him (4:56:58 AM): i didnt mean to hurt you again
him (4:57:06 AM): i just wanted to be honest with you
me (4:57:28 AM): i know and i appreciate that
me (4:57:42 AM): i just wish you would have told me long before
me (4:57:57 AM): and i wish you would have told me about all this when it started happening
him (4:58:29 AM): well, i didnt wait as long as i did to tell ya i was married
him (4:58:39 AM): so im improving…..a little
me (4:58:59 AM): um you only told me that when i cornered you
him (4:58:59 AM): and ya didnt corner me this time
me (4:59:16 AM): i did kinda
him (4:59:10 AM): no ya didnt
me (4:59:23 AM): i brought the whole subject up
me (4:59:31 AM): cuz things have been different between us
me (4:59:39 AM): and now i understand why
me (4:59:56 AM): you’ve been detaching from me as well
him (5:00:04 AM): yeah its me cuz im all fucked in the head right now
me (5:00:33 AM): when did yall start doing this?
him (5:00:33 AM): not long ago really.
him (5:00:40 AM): couple weeks
me (5:00:53 AM): about 2 or 3 weeks?
me (5:00:54 AM): yep
me (5:00:55 AM): i knew it
me (5:01:02 AM): just like i said
me (5:01:11 AM): damn woman’s intuition
me (5:01:39 AM): now i’m confused
him (5:01:34 AM): why?
me (5:02:55 AM): i don’t know whether to be the patient lovable mistress (so that you may decide to be
with me) or just give up and let you go (and be miserable without you)
me (5:03:19 AM): just cut my losses
him (5:03:18 AM): personally i think youd be better
off without me, but thats my own self loathing
me (5:04:01 AM): i don’t think i’d be better off without you
me (5:04:13 AM): but i’m not going to keep you by pity
him (5:04:32 AM): i want you to keep my friendship at least
him (5:04:57 AM): i want you to know you will have that forever
me (5:05:17 AM): i could tell you, yeah ok we’ll be friends
me (5:05:28 AM): but i wouldn’t be being honest
him (5:05:24 AM): i know.
me (5:06:11 AM): i don’t want you thinking u have to pick me so i will still be in your life
him (5:06:03 AM): nevertheless, im offering my friendship to you, regardless of if you can offer
yours back.

We talked awhile longer then went to bed. The next morning before work I left him an offline message that said: “i did a lot of thinking last night after you went to bed. if you still love me, which you said you do, i still have a chance. i’m not going down without a fight. i’ve invested almost a year and a half of my life to this relationship and i’m not going to just throw it away. so here is my proposal; don’t make a final decision until after my visit, that is the only way i feel i have a real chance. I will come up there as soon as i can, we will have to find a way to see each other. i’m sure we can come up with something. erick, i deserve this much. i’ve been nothing but loving and faithful for the duration of our relationship, can you say the same about manda?”

While I was at work I couldn’t stop thinking about us. I decided I was going to make the trip that day. To hell with everything. I arranged to be off work until the 21st. I took off work early got in my car and off I went. I wanted to try to make it up there before he got off work, but it was storming bad and it took me longer to get there. So I called his job about 2 hours before he got off work. I told him where I was and when I would be there. He was really surprised, but sounded happy about it. When I got there, he was waiting at the motel. We talked then made love. The next day was the same. I had to leave the following day, but he had invited me over to his house while his wife was at work. I got to meet his daughter. We really hit it off. I was so relieved. For the last seven months I had been scared to that she wouldn’t like me. Me and him were cuddling and talking while she was sleeping, but once she woke up, he was really stand offish. He said it was because he didn’t want to confuse her. It hurt my feelings that he was staying away from me. I left crying and upset. When I was leaving, he walked me out and told me that he loved me and gave me a kiss. I was in my detached mode.

I got to the gas station and filled up. I felt really guilty for leaving the way I did. I really wanted to just go back over there and apologize, but I settled for calling instead. I felt alot better after the phone call. We decided we would talk more about things when I got back home. Here is parts of that convo:

me (2:49:06 AM): i had a attack of guilty conscience when i was at your house today
him (2:49:15 AM): oh?
me (2:49:19 AM): yeah
me (2:49:59 AM): i knew she was real and all that, but the reality of it didn’t really hit me til i was in yalls house, with her husband and daughter…
me (2:50:06 AM): i felt like a homewrecker
me (2:50:28 AM): and how much easier things would be for you if i just backed off
me (2:52:15 AM): well i didn’t let it bug me til u were like staying as far away as possible
me (2:52:20 AM): that’s when it started getting to me
him (2:52:29 AM): i didnt mean to do that
me (2:52:44 AM): i know
him (2:52:52 AM): i just didnt want to get all touchy feely with anna around
me (2:52:58 AM): i know
me (2:53:12 AM): but she wasn’t really paying attention to us
him (2:53:16 AM): i know
me (2:53:22 AM): and the way things are with u and manda
me (2:53:28 AM): it shouldn’t have confused her
me (2:53:36 AM): cuz she hasn’t seen yall lovey dovey
me (2:53:40 AM): has she?
him (2:53:45 AM): not really
him (2:53:49 AM): not lately anyway
me (2:54:01 AM): well she isn’t even 2
him (2:54:04 AM): i know
me (2:54:12 AM): she wouldn’t remember things from like 7 months ago
him (2:54:31 AM): well i know, but it just kinda bugged me
me (2:54:39 AM): i understand
me (2:54:47 AM): i have to admit though
me (2:54:58 AM): when u said somn about it confusing her
me (2:55:06 AM): that’s what sent me in that mood
me (2:55:20 AM): because of the point i just raised
him (2:55:28 AM): and i didnt think i was gonna stick my foot in my mouth

him (4:07:08 AM): so whatcha gonna tell everybody at work tomorrow?
me (4:07:22 AM): i dunno
me (4:07:30 AM): they knew it was a mission
him (4:07:34 AM): lol
me (4:07:54 AM): dena knew something was bugging me
me (4:08:05 AM): before i made the decision to go up there
me (4:08:59 AM): i told her we had gotten to a point where we had to figure out if we will have a future together or if its best to just cut our losses and move on or at least try to
me (4:09:24 AM): that was the basis for the trip
me (4:09:32 AM): which u pretty much already know
him (4:09:38 AM): well yeah
me (4:09:53 AM): besides i’m not used to losing
me (4:10:22 AM): and there has been too much time invested, and too many sacrifices made to just give up without a fight
me (4:10:30 AM): i don’t give up easily
me (4:10:37 AM): in case u hadn’t figured that out
him (4:10:37 AM): no shit?
me (4:10:54 AM): oh hush
me (4:11:04 AM): u said yourself its one of the things u love about me
him (4:11:11 AM): yeah
me (4:11:29 AM): i’m loyal too
me (4:11:34 AM): that’s always a plus
him (4:11:44 AM): and honestly, thats what makes it even harder making a decision
me (4:11:54 AM): why is that?
me (4:12:15 AM): afraid i won’t accept it, if its the opposite of what i want?
him (4:12:20 AM): No
me (4:12:28 AM): then why?
him (4:12:32 AM): I dunno, cant explain it
him (4:12:44 AM): I guess its cuz youre willing to do all this for me
him (4:13:18 AM): just something i find really admirable

him (4:42:29 AM): well, at least ya wont be burdened by the tension of the past 7 months lol
me (4:42:36 AM): lol yeah
me (4:42:44 AM): the cobwebs were cleared
him (4:42:48 AM): lol
me (4:43:13 AM): and i’m more reassured now
him (4:43:21 AM): good
me (4:43:35 AM): i have no doubt how much you love me
me (4:43:45 AM): i’d say mission accomplished
him (4:43:55 AM): yep.
him (4:44:13 AM): and on that note, im going to bed
me (4:44:16 AM): ok i gotta question that popped into my head
me (4:44:48 AM): ok remember how u said that you and manda hadn’t verbally said yall were trying to salvage the marriage?
him (4:44:58 AM): right
me (4:45:01 AM): what gave you the idea?
him (4:45:14 AM): what? that we were trying to salvage?
me (4:45:17 AM): yeah
him (4:45:26 AM): weve just been nicer to each other lately
me (4:45:32 AM): that’s it?
him (4:45:47 AM): hey, thats a step considering
me (4:45:51 AM): yeah
me (4:45:53 AM): but still
me (4:46:02 AM): that’s it…….
me (4:46:09 AM): and i’ve been worried outta my head……
me (4:46:21 AM): oh well
me (4:46:27 AM): i’m 2 up on her now
him (4:46:31 AM): lol
him (4:46:36 AM): yes you are

And here is what we said the next night:
me (2:36:25AM): vicky found out u were married
me (2:36:31 AM): i guess jess slipped up
me (2:37:06 AM): she wasn’t judgmental
me (2:37:27 AM): she was just like well something had to be wrong for him to seek a relationship elsewhere
me (2:37:43 AM): i told her neither of us expected to find what we did
me (2:37:57 AM): i wasn’t looking to fall in love
me (2:38:01 AM): and i’m sure you wasn’t
me (2:38:17 AM): but we did
me (2:38:25 AM): it isn’t our fault
me (2:38:44 AM): marriages go bad everyday
me (2:38:58 AM): especially when the people aren’t right for each other
me (2:39:02 AM): and u married so young….
me (2:39:10 AM): people change
me (2:39:19 AM): and it seems to me that the 2 of you grew apart
me (2:39:27 AM): and the only thing keeping yall together is anna
me (2:39:37 AM): but that’s just my opinion
me (2:40:28 AM): alot of what probably keep yall together before anna was familarity
me (2:40:41 AM): that’s why me and brian kept going back to each other
me (2:41:00 AM): its scary to think of being with someone else after being with the same person so long
me (2:41:16 AM): scary enough to make you convince yourself things are better than they really are
me (2:42:22 AM): and when i mourned the loss of my relationship with ray, it wasn’t so much over losing him, it was mourning for the life i had expected to have with him. that kind of thing
me (2:42:55 AM): besides he was my first love
me (2:43:03 AM): i learned alot out of that experience
me (2:43:28 AM): i’ve had to come to terms with unexpected feelings and stuff since he found me
me (2:43:47 AM): not feelings of love
me (2:43:52 AM): i don’t know how to explain it
me (2:44:12 AM): but it was bothering me for the last month or so
me (2:44:18 AM): before i went up there
me (2:44:37 AM): i was re-examining my feelings for you and him
me (2:44:42 AM): that trip helped alot
me (2:45:24 AM): i realized those feelings for him are in the past. he is not someone i would ever want to be romantically involved with again.
me (2:46:01 AM): so it wasn’t only you that was having doubts baby
me (2:46:20 AM): i wanted to wait until i had come to a conclusion
me (2:46:42 AM): what really did it was seeing him at that concert
me (2:46:51 AM): and talking to him on the phone
me (2:47:25 AM): for so long i only let myself think about the negative things in our history
me (2:47:52 AM): but i have dealt with all that
me (2:48:12 AM): i want you and only you.
me (2:48:25 AM): i’m not saying all this to rush your decision
me (2:48:50 AM): i just wanted you to know that i am uncertain of things myself, from time to time
him (2:49:07 AM): I know.
me (2:49:57 AM): and for the record, nothing happened between me and ray except talking.
him (2:50:06 AM): and I wish I could ease your mind by making a decision right now…but there are alot of things that i am confused about, uncertain about…
me (2:50:17 AM): i know that baby
me (2:50:47 AM): all i ask is you keep one factor out of your decision
him (2:50:57 AM): i want to make the right decision, and thats going to take time for me to figure out what that is
him (2:51:01 AM): what factor is that?
me (2:53:04 AM): Anna. i know you are worried about custody and stuff if you file for divorce, but there is no reason you shouldn’t get joint custody, so i ask that you don’t include that in the decision. only evaluate your feelings for me and manda. choose between us. not between me and anna/manda
me (2:53:44 AM): i know you are a great father and realistically manda can’t do anything to keep you from getting joint custody
me (2:53:49 AM): the affair will never come to light
me (2:53:58 AM): and that is the only thing she could use
me (2:54:45 AM): if you don’t believe me, privately consult an attorney
me (2:54:50 AM): they offer evaluations free
me (2:54:54 AM): and confidential
him (2:54:59 AM): I will try not to. But you know how much I love anna, and I dont want to miss out on any part of her growing up. I cant explain it. Ive never loved anyone as much as I love her.
him (2:55:12 AM): And I want to be there for her whenever she needs me
me (2:55:16 AM): that is perfectly understandable
me (2:55:18 AM): and you will be
me (2:55:31 AM): with joint custody manda can’t move
him (2:55:53 AM): Im just so afraid that if I do miss out on something important to her, she will resent me for it
me (2:56:03 AM): baby you won’t miss anything
me (2:56:07 AM): she will be lucky
me (2:56:21 AM): she will have 3 people that love her parentally
me (2:57:12 AM): later on, she could live with us more than manda if we were married and had a stable house.
him (2:57:14 AM): or that by splitting up with manda itself, manda will subliminally instill resentment towards me in her, the way manda resents her father for leaving her mother
me (2:57:25 AM): i will never try to take manda’s place in her life
me (2:57:38 AM): i have experience with that myself baby
me (2:57:51 AM): and it can’t be done unless the father is absent from the child’s life
me (2:57:56 AM): which you will not be
him (2:58:11 AM): Jen, you dont know…if that ever happened, that would totally break my heart
me (2:58:19 AM): i do know
me (2:58:23 AM): and that will not happen
me (2:58:34 AM): you will be an integral part of her life
me (2:58:56 AM): and u will be a better father because you would be happy
me (2:59:11 AM): you are quite obviously not IN love with manda
me (2:59:34 AM): the both of you would be better parents if you are both happy
me (2:59:46 AM): you don’t just owe yourself or anna
me (2:59:52 AM): manda deserves to be happy too
him (2:59:55 AM): I know
me (3:00:14 AM): maybe there is someone that can make her happier than you can
me (3:00:18 AM): and that isn’t your fault
him (3:00:24 AM): One thing i think that has affected our marriage is, as you know, money problems
me (3:00:30 AM): it’s no one’s fault
me (3:00:49 AM): it just happened
me (3:00:51 AM): yeah i know
him (3:01:03 AM): weve had to scrape together money to pay bills for years…
me (3:01:15 AM): and it seems that yall are different people that yall were when you married
me (3:01:20 AM): *than
him (3:01:33 AM): lately though, since she got her new job & I got my raise, the money situation has gotten better
him (3:01:44 AM): i think thats why im having a harder time now
me (3:01:51 AM): could be
him (3:02:05 AM): because things at home have gotten progressively more bearable
me (3:02:28 AM): but far from happy
him (3:02:49 AM): no, but i dunno, theres a part of me that doesnt want to give up on that yet
him (3:03:00 AM): but doesnt want to let go of you, either
him (3:03:33 AM): I dont want any of this to upset you, jen, im trying, for the first time, to really let you in & let you know what im feeling here
me (3:03:40 AM): i know
me (3:04:01 AM): i’m not going to pretend that it doesn’t affect me
me (3:04:10 AM): but i appreciate your honesty
me (3:05:11 AM): how long do you think it will be before she gets more credit cards and stuff again?
him (3:05:12 AM): I just need to get some clarity. to get my head and my heart to be on the same wavelength
him (3:05:39 AM): I think she may have learned her lesson about credit cards
me (3:06:23 AM): so which one is keeping you from letting me go, your head or your heart?
him (3:06:29 AM): My heart
me (3:06:51 AM): is it your heart that also wants to
salvage things with manda?
him (3:06:58 AM): yes
him (3:07:16 AM): and my head is wanting to rationalize what would be the better choice
me (3:07:49 AM): after everything that has happened, why would you want to salvage things with manda?
me (3:07:56 AM): besides anna
me (3:08:05 AM): leave her out of the equation please
him (3:08:16 AM): to see if theres anything left of the relationship we once had
him (3:08:33 AM): it hasnt been all bad
him (3:09:21 AM): we fell in love with each other once, years ago….i just wanted to see if theres any of that left
him (3:10:03 AM): or, if we both have changed too much over the years to be able to do so
him (3:11:19 AM): Im just so mixed up emotionally right now, Jen
me (3:12:45 AM): i don’t want to come down on you. but i resent that fact that the min she is nice to you, you start to question what we have, will have, or plan to have. that makes me feel like you were just with me
to make your life more bearable.
him (3:13:21 AM): no, please dont think of it that way.
me (3:16:01 AM): for shits n giggles imagine the roles were reversed. i was the married one with a child and a marriage that had gone sour and we fell in love and began a mutual affair. then after almost a year and
half my husband started treating me somewhat decent and i questioned our relationship. how would you think of it?
him (3:19:10 AM): Honestly, I would back off. let things happen & see how things turn out. id be happy either way, happy that you patched things up with him. but id be happier if you chose to be with me. but then, im not as persistant as you are
him (3:19:31 AM): like i said, thats me though
me (3:21:00 AM): so if me and ray patched things up, you’d still be happy knowing that i was making a mistake?
him (3:21:22 AM): Id be happy knowing you were happy.
him (3:21:39 AM): regardless of what I thought you were getting into
me (3:24:00 AM): i’d be happy for you, but miserable myself. that’s where the whole loving you enough to let you go thing comes in. but i would have resentment and lingering feelings of rejection, and that i was used, a means to an end. i guess you are a better person than i am
him (3:25:00 AM): No, im no better than you are. you wanted to know what i would do, and honestly, thats what I would do. I didnt say that to piss you off
me (3:25:42 AM): it didn’t piss me off
him (3:25:56 AM): and I wouldnt feel used either.
him (3:26:04 AM): Or rejected.
me (3:26:23 AM): i would
me (3:26:30 AM): damned near do already
me (3:26:46 AM): and i’m not going to apologize for it. i can’t help how i feel
me (3:27:00 AM): i feel like second choice
me (3:27:02 AM): and i don’t like it
him (3:26:59 AM): Id feel that if you were married, you deserve a chance to try to save it, after all the time youve invested in it.
him (3:27:15 AM): Jen, Im sorry you feel that way.
me (3:27:48 AM): yeah, but not after months of saying we were going to be together
him (3:27:34 AM): I am, because im not trying to make you feel that way
me (3:28:04 AM): and how until the last few months you had said you would most likely leave the week i got there
me (3:28:10 AM): you can’t pump someone up
me (3:28:29 AM): then deflate their dreams and expect it not to hurt, or bother them
him (3:28:31 AM): Like i said, i havent made a decision
him (3:28:39 AM): so dont act like i have
me (3:29:11 AM): i know you haven’t
me (3:29:24 AM): but it is obvious what direction you are leaning towards
me (3:29:32 AM): and i know how my life is
me (3:30:04 AM): i am preparing myself for the worst
me (3:31:56 AM): i dunno, maybe i’m selfish. i want you for myself. i know i can make you happy. and it just really hurts to be faced with losing all that to a factor i thought was dead.
him (3:32:35 AM): i know you could make me happy jen.
me (3:33:43 AM): and it really pisses me off that she doesn’t even know what a wonderful man she has.
me (3:34:12 AM): if she did you wouldn’t have ever needed someone else to fill a void in your heart
him (3:34:32 AM): I think I need to go for a drive
him (3:34:45 AM): helps me think
him (3:35:59 AM): i need some time alone or something
me (3:36:41 AM): morally i know i should just back off, but that is so hard.
him (3:36:51 AM): I know, hun. And im not bothered that you arent.
me (3:37:16 AM): you are not an easy man to walk away from
him (3:37:02 AM): like i said, its one of the things i love about you
him (3:38:18 AM): baby, im not trying to bounce on ya, but i really do think i need to go for a drive or somn…for a little while at least
him (3:38:24 AM): ILL BE BACK
me (3:38:43 AM): ok
him (4:38:04 AM): ok Im back
me (4:43:50 AM): so how was it?
him (4:44:10 AM): eh….calming, I guess
him (4:44:17 AM): i went to wal mart too lol
me (4:44:41 AM): lol you and that store
him (4:45:05 AM): a big ass store that open 24/7…i dunno lol…I like it
me (4:45:29 AM): i do when i have money to blow
him (4:45:49 AM): lol
him (4:45:54 AM): I do even when I dont
me (4:45:56 AM): or have an idea in my head that needs props
me (4:46:00 AM): i don’t
me (4:46:06 AM): i don’t like seeing what i can’t have
him (4:46:42 AM): If I see somn I want & dont have the money for at the time, I cross my fingers & hope its still there when I have the money lol
me (4:47:37 AM): that could be a metaphor
him (4:48:08 AM): ….never thought of that before
me (4:48:38 AM): you are a wait and see person
him (4:48:47 AM): yeah
me (4:49:18 AM): typically i am not. i’ve always leaned more toward all or nothing
him (4:49:39 AM): yeah Ive picked up on that lol
me (4:49:59 AM): i like to always know where things stand in my life
me (4:50:06 AM): limbo drives me crazy
me (4:50:51 AM): and once my mind is set it’s damn near impossible to change it
me (4:51:08 AM): one of my greatest traits and flaws
him (4:52:05 AM): noticed that too lol
me (4:52:52 AM): your being confused, causes confusion for me as well
me (4:55:11 AM): i keep asking myself why i am pining for a man that isn’t certain he wants to be with me, or that wants me and his wife. i feel i deserve a man that wants to be with me without a doubt. i guess i’m
just glutton for punishment. seems like i always set myself up for a fall. talk about self destructive
me (4:56:10 AM): i let myself get too attached. i always thought you were being on the up and up with me.
me (4:56:26 AM): i had reason to question the things you said, but they were things i wanted to hear so i didn’t
me (4:56:39 AM): a mistake that is kicking me in the ass
him (4:57:28 AM): I wasnt just saying what you wanted to hear, jen
me (4:58:55 AM): for 8 months i thought i was certain of my place in your life
me (5:02:08 AM): and for the past 7 months i haven’t been certain for very long. it like one day-week-month you can’t wait to be with me the next you can’t decide. i never know how much i can love you without getting destroyed. the last couple of weeks i’ve felt like a dog begging for your love. its just taking its toll on me. i’ve just been going where my heart leads me. and i am so scared its going to blow up in my face. i don’t know whether to just give up now and protect myself from even more pain or continue in limbo until you can reach a decision.
me (5:03:44 AM): if i was smart i would give up, but until i get a final choice from you, my heart won’t let me let you go.
him (5:03:51 AM): I know. Jen, I know its hurting you. Its hurting me too. I thought about just letting you go too. But I do care about you so much.
him (5:05:34 AM): then I think: I should let you go BECAUSE I care about you, to spare you from more hurt…I just dont know. Im so damn confused
him (5:06:46 AM): I dont know what to do.
me (5:07:18 AM): i wish you had an unbiased friend you could talk to
him (5:07:25 AM): So do I
me (5:07:54 AM): the whole situation puzzles me
him (5:07:57 AM): Its funny, we want to make each other happy so much, but were both miserable
me (5:08:02 AM): yeah
me (5:09:05 AM): i don’t understand how you would want to salvage a relationship with someone that hasn’t been a happy one in 4 years.
me (5:09:31 AM): you said you were only happy the first 2 years and when anna was born.
him (5:10:43 AM): I dont know. I guess Im afraid to give up on something Ive comitted to for so long without trying to do something. I dont know.
me (5:11:20 AM): silly me. i was under the impression you had given up on it long ago.
me (5:12:01 AM): it seems like you want your life to stay as it was
me (5:12:15 AM): have her in life and me on here
him (5:12:33 AM): No, I dont want that
me (5:12:41 AM): and now that the 2 lives are trying to merge you have to decide which one you truly want
me (5:13:10 AM): i think that you just wanted us to go on like this, indefinitely
him (5:13:37 AM): No. definitely not
me (5:13:49 AM): i don’t mean the turmoil we are going through now
me (5:13:55 AM): i mean just the online thing
him (5:13:58 AM): Neither do I
me (5:14:53 AM): there was a point i really believed you. when you came to me with the idea of leaving the week i moved there. even when i told you it wasn’t necessary
me (5:15:00 AM): you weren’t a bit confused then
him (5:15:06 AM): I know.
him (5:15:59 AM): I meant what said then. But that idea, as time passed, got less and less…conceivable.
me (5:16:13 AM): which is ironic
me (5:16:28 AM): because as time passed it got closer to being realized
me (5:17:03 AM): before it was an uncertainty when i would be able to move
me (5:17:19 AM): now it is within 4-6 months
me (5:19:22 AM): you win with whatever decision you make
him (5:19:54 AM): See, thats the thing, Im not thinking of it like that
me (5:20:16 AM): that’s the reality
him (5:20:54 AM): thats pretty selfish of me, isnt it?
me (5:20:59 AM): and anna wins either way
me (5:21:33 AM): its selfish of me to want your wife out of the picture
me (5:21:38 AM): so we’re even i guess
me (5:24:15 AM): i am concerned about who is best for you, if i wasn’t certain it was me then i would back off.
me (5:24:28 AM): but in the end what i want or believe isn’t important
me (5:24:40 AM): its what you want that matters
me (5:26:03 AM): i can’t help but wonder if you are doing this to get me to call it over. have you already chose her?
me (5:26:23 AM): i know you don’t like confrontation
me (5:26:27 AM): or hurting people
him (5:26:50 AM): that hurt jen
me (5:27:01 AM): baby, i didn’t mean it like it sounded
me (5:27:14 AM): i just didn’t know how to phrase it
me (5:27:24 AM): why did you do that?
(he turned off his webcam, i think he was crying)
him (5:27:33 AM): ill turnj it back on in a sec
me (5:28:21 AM): what i meant was have you chosen her and are just afraid to tell me
him (5:28:50 AM): No. I havnet chosen anyone
me (5:29:40 AM): ok. i’m sorry it came out so harsh. i didn’t mean for it to.
me (5:29:54 AM): my head is swimming
him (5:30:02 AM): mine is drowning
me (5:30:24 AM): i think you should confide in jenny
me (5:30:34 AM): she don’t seem like she would judge you
me (5:30:41 AM): or blab it to anyone
him (5:30:59 AM): Ive felt that i can only confide in you
him (5:31:12 AM): I feel, rather
me (5:31:20 AM): i’m trying to help you, but it seems like i’m just a self-serving bitch and i don’t want you to think that way about me
him (5:31:52 AM): I dont know, i feel I should do this myself
me (5:32:33 AM): it seems to me that you need approval or advice from someone else or you would be forever questioning your decision
him (5:32:56 AM): that could be
me (5:33:09 AM): i’m biased
me (5:33:22 AM): so all talking to me does is confuse you more
him (5:33:28 AM): yeah
him (5:33:39 AM): that dont mean i dont like talkin to ya though
me (5:33:45 AM): good
him (5:33:47 AM): just not on certain subjects
me (5:34:11 AM): you are the only one i confide in too
me (5:34:24 AM): so some things eat me up
me (5:34:31 AM): because i can’t talk to you about them
me (5:34:40 AM): and i don’t want to talk to anyone else
him (5:34:58 AM): yep, i smell what youre puttin down, big chicken
me (5:35:07 AM): buh
me (5:35:32 AM): the things i’m talking about i don’t want to tell you because i don’t want your pity
me (5:35:35 AM): or your
him (5:35:55 AM): i dont want any more guilt, thanks
me (5:36:01 AM): exactly
me (5:36:13 AM): besides i’ve never been a poor me person
him (5:36:26 AM): and I wouldnt pity you.
him (5:36:38 AM): id try to help as much as I could
him (5:36:57 AM): i havent either
him (5:37:04 AM): my problems are my problems
me (5:37:11 AM): i just don’t want to influence you into making a choice you really don’t want.
him (5:37:20 AM): i know
me (5:38:01 AM): i think some of the things would make you choose me, but i wouldn’t know if it was because of love, pity, guilt or obligation.
me (5:38:08 AM): so i just don’t tell you
him (5:39:48 AM): love, pity, guilt, or obligation? God, please dot say youre pregnant lol
me (5:39:56 AM): um no
him (5:39:59 AM): ok lol
me (5:40:02 AM): not that i’m aware of
me (5:40:09 AM): i’m on the pill
me (5:40:23 AM): and as long as your precum isn’t
super potent we should be fine
him (5:40:36 AM): Um…not that Im aware of
me (5:40:55 AM): although anna doing that yesterday kinda freaked me out
him (5:41:05 AM): put it this way, Manda & I “tried” for kids, gave up, and manda got pregnant a month later
me (5:41:23 AM): that probably had to do with timing
me (5:41:38 AM): there is only 3-5 days a month a woman can get pregnant
me (5:42:03 AM): besides i wouldn’t do that to you
me (5:42:14 AM): i wouldn’t have an abortion
him (5:42:17 AM): jen, at this point if you told me you were pregnant, id fucking have a nervous breakdown
me (5:42:34 AM): but if you had chosen her i wouldn’t tell you about the pregnancy
him (5:42:41 AM): Youd find me in a cabin in the woods somewhere trying to milk a tree or some shit
me (5:42:46 AM): that’s a big what if
me (5:42:52 AM): well don’t worry about it
me (5:42:57 AM): cuz i wouldn’t tell you
him (5:43:30 AM): shit, ok that made me sound like a complete asshole
me (5:43:34 AM): i’m not going the same road my mother did
him (5:43:44 AM): let me rethink that
me (5:43:52 AM): i was the product of an affair
him (5:43:57 AM): better yet, lets just drop the subject completely lol
me (5:44:00 AM): and i have spent my life paying for it
him (5:44:18 AM): cuz yer not pregnant
me (5:44:19 AM): i’d rather my child think it was the product of a one night stand
me (5:44:40 AM): probably not
me (5:44:51 AM): but with my luck
him (5:44:58 AM): AHHHHH STOPPIT!
me (5:45:22 AM): anyway like i said it wouldn’t ever be concern of yours anyway
me (5:45:27 AM): i’m not that kind of woman
me (5:45:37 AM): so lets change the subject
him (5:45:43 AM): oh like that wouldnt make ya resent me
him (5:45:47 AM): ok good idea
me (5:47:38 AM): i wouldn’t resent you
me (5:48:26 AM): i want kids and it would’ve been a child conceived in love.
me (5:48:30 AM): that’s all that matters
him (5:48:34 AM): not after ya removed my testicles and made a nice change purse out of my scrotum
me (5:48:41 AM): no
him (5:48:45 AM): no
me (5:48:46 AM): that would be manda
him (5:49:01 AM): ya sayin my scrotums not good enough to make ya a change purse?
me (5:49:10 AM): buh
him (5:49:21 AM): this is high quality sackage here
him (5:49:31 AM): grade A
me (5:49:34 AM): i wouldn’t do it
me (5:49:43 AM): i can’t promise that others wouldn’t though
him (5:49:53 AM): *GULP*
me (5:50:32 AM): remembering what my life has been like here would be the results of this relationship:you’d chose manda and we’d split up and the 2 two of you will live happily ever after or at least pretend and i would be rejected and told i told you so by everyone i know then after i quit talking to you find out i’m going to be a single mother to a child that would never know its father.
me (5:53:25 AM): that’s how shit goes in my life
him (5:53:37 AM): wow…..im a prick, arent I?
me (5:53:41 AM): when i want things to happen the opposite does
me (5:53:51 AM): lol buh
me (5:53:56 AM): why do you say that?
him (5:54:25 AM): oh jeez, lemme think
me (5:55:07 AM): i didn’t say he wouldn’t know you because of your choice
me (5:55:14 AM): that would make you a prick
me (5:55:23 AM): it would be my choice
him (5:55:27 AM): oh ok
him (5:55:32 AM): you prick lol
me (5:55:44 AM): cuz for one it would ruin your marriage
him (5:55:51 AM): oh come on, laugh at that dammit
me (5:55:55 AM): you wouldn’t be able to keep another child secret
me (5:56:10 AM): for 2 i wouldn’t want you to feel obligated
me (5:56:26 AM): i could have made you wear a condom
we talked for a few more mins
him (6:03:25 AM): ok im going to bed
me (6:03:29 AM): really i wasn’t gonna tell you
me (6:03:31 AM): ok
him (6:04:23 AM): ill try to be on tomorrow night…but i work 3 to close, so I might be tired
me (6:04:47 AM): why do i have the feeling you are running from me now
me (6:04:55 AM): that’s why i wasn’t going to tell you
him (6:05:05 AM): im not running from you
him (6:05:29 AM): BUT THE SECOND YOU START YOUR PERIOD (IF YOU START YOUR PERIOD) LET ME KNOW
him (6:05:40 AM): offline me
him (6:05:44 AM): e-mail me
him (6:05:48 AM): send smoke signals
me (6:05:49 AM): what good would that do?
him (6:05:54 AM): i don givafuk!
me (6:06:22 AM): i told you i don’t want you if its only out of guilt or obligation or pity
him (6:06:43 AM): ok fine
him (6:06:48 AM): if ya dont have your period
him (6:06:51 AM): LIE TO ME
me (6:06:58 AM): lol ok
me (6:07:15 AM): i don’t want to ruin your life
me (6:07:29 AM): i’ll accept responsibility.
me (6:07:36 AM): i want your happiness
him (6:07:55 AM): ya know what? dont be talkin like its happened yet
him (6:07:58 AM): cuz it hasnt
me (6:08:18 AM): just that part or the whole thing?
him (6:08:31 AM): the pregnancy part
me (6:08:50 AM): honestly would you even want to know?
him (6:09:24 AM): You really think Im an asshole, dont you?
me (6:09:31 AM): of course not
him (6:10:02 AM): ya know what? nvm…Im goin to bed
me (6:10:04 AM): i meant would you want to know if you chose to salvage your marriage
him (6:10:19 AM): shh
him (6:10:22 AM): goin ta bed
me (6:11:10 AM): if my opinion of you was as low as you think, do you really think i would want to be with you?
me (6:11:23 AM): NO!

Then we said our good nights. We have talked a few times since, but we haven’t brought the subject of us or his decision back up. I am at the end of my rope and don’t know what I should do. Sometimes, I feel
that I should just throw in the towel, but other times I want to fight for us. I need advice from an outside source that can be objective.

Thanks for reading all that,

Jennifer

Dear Jennifer,

Here is the answer to your question dated: 03/26/2003

Answer:
Jennifer – Get out of this. You are in a way vulnerable position. The odds are against you. He is obviously stringing you along, so he will have someone to fall back on in case his marriage goes bust. You deserve better. He is a selfish person, more concerned with his own happiness than anyone else’s. I can almost guarantee that he will never tell his wife the extent of his relationship with you, even though she has every right to know. It is unfair for him to keep her in the dark. A marriage doesn’t deteriorate on one side, both partners let it. I think the both of you would be better off without him. He may love you, but not enough to leave his wife for you. Get out. You seem like a person that doesn’t really follow other’s advice. If you ignore my advice at least do this: DO NOT move unless/until he at least separates from his wife. If he can’t do it before you move 600 miles to be with him, then don’t go. If he won’t leave her before you move he will never leave her after you move. He wants his cake and to eat it too. I can tell you love him dearly, but it is clear to me that you are setting yourself up for heartbreak.

Good luck,
Dr. Neil

On this day..