and I had the ideal relationship: we rarely fought, we treated each other with respect, we had together, we loved each other, and we trusted each other completely. At one point, we had our entire wedding and our future planned. Now there are no plans, there is only an uncertain future. No relationship carries a lifetime guarantee. I made him my world and he left me all alone to pick up the pieces of my broken heart.

At first, I was not sure if I would survive. I was well beyond devastated. I did not want to go on living without him. After a lot of crying and praying, I concluded that everything happens for a reason. I have realized that pinning my hopes and dreams on another person, especially a man, keeps me dependent. According to Patricia O’Brien, “It isn’t sufficient to seek wholeness through men, it never was and it never will be for any woman, married or single.” Life is always presenting us with tragedies, and hopefully we learn from them. These challenges should not set us back, or stunt our personal growth. In fact, they should strengthen us. “We will never be given more than we can handle.” It was a long difficult journey to get where I am now, but I still have a long ways to go because I am not finished healing yet.

I was at complaining to Dena and Brandy because Raymond was not back yet, when my cell phone rang. I knew it was him before I looked at the caller ID. I had been waiting on his call for five long days. He had promised to call me when he returned home from Shreveport. I had mixed when I answered the telephone; I had butterflies in my stomach, but I was madder than a wet hen. I had an indifferent tone in my voice when I asked, “When did you get home?”

He said, “Last night, I tried to call you, but you didn’t answer your phone and the voice-mail didn’t pick up.”
“You must have dialed the wrong number. I have had my phone next to me since you were supposed to come home, five days ago.” He denied it, and then later admitted that he dialed the wrong number. He did not sound like himself. I asked, “Why do you sound like that?” A sense of foreboding hit me like a ton of bricks. The last time he came back from a visit to Shreveport, we broke up.

“We need to talk after you get off work,” he said quietly.
Talk. Talk about what? By the tone in his voice, I knew there was something wrong. There was a million thoughts swirling around in my head. “Why, are you going to dump me again?” I snapped.
“No, but after you hear what I have to tell you, you’ll probably break up with me,” he said.
“Did you f—k around on me while you were down there?” I spat.
“Oh, God, no. That is a negative ghost rider. It wasn’t anything like that.”
“Then what was it? You can’t call me a few minutes before we open and tell me something like this and not finish it. Tell me now or it will drive me crazy all day.”
The silence had lasted forever when he said, “I’ve decided to move back to Shreveport. I’m leaving around June 22.”

I instantly started bawling; my worst had come true. He planned to abandon me. “Baby, please, don’t do this to me. If you me, you will stay here until I can move there with you. Just give me six months, please.” It was silent, except for my sobbing.

“I’m sorry, but I realized I’m happier down there. Besides, I already have a job lined up.”

How could he make a decision like this without even consulting me? Before he left, he had told me how much he loved me and not to worry about receiving a telephone call like to one he had just made to me. I wanted answers. We continued talking for about forty-five minutes, but I did not get any solid answers. My boss stormed outside; she was looking for me. I let him go and hurried inside. There were about seven customers and numerous call-in orders. I wiped my mascara the best I could, but it was already smeared well beyond repair. Then I went to face the firing squad. My boss started griping at me as soon as I went up front which caused me to start crying all over again. The curious stares from the customers and employees were burning a hole through me. I tried to control myself, but I could not. The more I tried, the harder I cried. I called Raymond as soon as I got the chance. I asked, “Do you still want to meet me somewhere?”

“Well, I already told you what I needed to tell you. That would be hard on both of us.”
“Please, meet me somewhere. I have to see you,” I begged.
“Okay, how about IHOP?”
He must have forgotten that IHOP was where we went when we first started planning our wedding. “Alright. How about three o’clock this afternoon?” I suggested.

He agreed. I went back to work and waited. Those hours seemed to drag on forever, but at the same time, they passed by so quickly. Before I went to IHOP, I stopped at my mom’s house. I changed my shirt, and then I grabbed my liter of Bacardi out of the freezer. I gulped almost a quarter of it, and then I was on my way.

I arrived at IHOP at about 3:10. I sat in my car for a few minutes, gathering my strength from a half-gone bottle of rum. I marched in there like a soldier prepared for war. However, the butterflies in my stomach were multiplying with every step I took. Once I arrived at the door, I just stood there. I had to compose myself. Finally, I opened the door. As I entered, I felt a cool breeze on my face. It was accompanied by the smell of pancakes and warm maple syrup. Some of the employees were huddled together, obviously engaged in a gossip session. I waited for the hostess, wanting her to hurry, but also wishing that she would never come. As I stood there, I was overwhelmed with bittersweet memories; we often came here together. My mind drifted back to the time we sat in our booth for hours, smoking, and planning our wedding. We could barely wait to get married. The hostess brought me back to the torturous reality. The stench of burnt coffee along with my fear of the outcome made my stomach twist and turn in a hundred different directions. She asked, “smoking or non-smoking?”

“I’m meeting someone in smoking.” She grabbed a menu and strolled toward the smoking area. I heard the clatter of dishes in the backroom, as well as some giggles from a few girls sitting in the center row. As we got closer to the room, the smell of stale cigarettes smacked me in the face.

She showed me to his table. He was stirring creamer into his coffee. He never drank coffee while we were together. Coffee drinking was one of many changes he made about himself while he was in Shreveport. I looked him over for a minute. He still looked the same. His dark wavy hair was covered by his black “Play it to the Bone” cap as usual, but a few strands hung down on his forehead. He always wore that hat backwards. He was clean shaved, except for his goatee and thin moustache. His expression was one filled with dread, but his eyes still lit up when he saw me. He dreaded this meeting as much as I did; we both already knew the result. After I sat down, she took my drink order. I ordered a Coke to compliment the bottle of rum that I had stashed in my purse. He was dressed very casual: a faded red Gold’s gym muscle shirt, a pair of worn out Adidas sandals, and a pair of gray breakaway sweat pants. It was a ridiculous combination considering that it was nearly a hundred degrees outside. His arms and cheeks were sunburned. We sat there in an awkward silence until the waitress brought my drink. Neither of us was in the mood to eat, so she left us alone, except for the older couple across the room. He lit up a cigarette and looked at me. That was my cue, he expected me to break the silence.

“How can you leave me if you love me? You promised me this wouldn’t happen. You are such a f**king liar!” I screamed. The other couple looked at us, but I did not care. I burst into a fresh wave of tears. He offered me a napkin, but I refused it. I was waiting for his answer. “Well?” I demanded impatiently. Before he answered me, he took my hand in his. His hands were soft, from lack of hard work. His nails were awkwardly shaped and unusually short. I knew that he had been biting his nails off, perhaps because of the this meeting involved.

“I do love you, but while I was in Shreveport I realized that I’m not in love with you anymore. The oomph is gone.” he answered.

Those words stung like a colony of fireants. I felt like there was not any meaning left in my life. I became so enraged that I reached for the bowl of creamer packets and squeezed as hard as I could. They exploded in his face and splattered the wall and table; some landed on me as well. The waitress rushed over to us and threw him a towel.

“You shouldn’t have pissed her off,” she said with attitude.

If it had been any other time I would have laughed, but instead I grabbed my bottle and drank more. Then I poured some into my glass. I took a couple of anxiety pills Dena had given me. Raymond was so busy cleaning up the mess he didn’t notice anything. I lit a cigarette and glared at him. If looks could kill, he would be a distant memory. He remained calm and it drove me nuts. I wanted to get a reaction out of him. We sat there a while longer and talked, and then his words popped back in my head. I wanted to hurt him, or at least surprise him. Instinctively, I grabbed my Coke and threw it at him. I will never forget his look of astonishment. My only was I had wasted rum. I stood up and snatched my things. My tears lightened up as I stormed out. I was about to get in my car when he came running out the door. I did not want our relationship to end this way, so I talked to him. I hit him a few times and commanded him to give me the key-shaped charm that went to my heart-shaped charm. It had been a Christmas present. It said, “He who holds the key can unlock my heart.” He reluctantly gave it to me and then I tore mine from my neck. I wanted to throw them as far as I could, but something inside would not let me, so I put them in my pocket.

I accused him of getting back with one of his ex-girlfriends. He denied it, but how could I believe him? There were only two ex-girlfriends from Shreveport that I knew about: Jennifer and Brandi. He said Jennifer was too young for him, and that he would never go back to Brandi because the things she did to him in the past. He knew I did not believe him so he told me to call his best friend, Will, in Shreveport. I did and Will swore that Raymond did not cheat on me. I let them talk to each other while I finished off the Bacardi. Before too long I was . He did not want to leave me alone so we drove around in his car for about an hour. He tried talking me into going to his parent’s house, but I refused. That would have only made it harder, on both of us. I could not face his parents because they knew he made a fool of me. We went back to the parking lot and talked a lot more. He kept apologizing for hurting me, but it was not good enough. I wanted him to hurt as badly as I was hurting.

I sobered up a lot by 7:15, so he thought it would be fine if he left. His house was an hour away, so I let him go. I walked with him to his car. Then I asked, “Can I have one last kiss?” He gave it to me. It was the sweetest kiss we ever shared and I cherished every second of it. Then he was gone. I staggered to my car and then I realized I was still inebriated. Felicia, my best friend, happened to call me on my cell phone. I sat in the parking lot and talked to her for almost an hour. Afterwards, I went to my mother’s apartment. I needed to be nurtured, but she just lectured me. I pondered the day’s events; before he called me that morning, life seemed great and full of potential . Afterwards, life seemed like a bleak, hopeless, miserable , except without the peace brings. I wanted to die. I could not bear the thought of life without him. I had made him the center of my universe and now he was going to leave me. I went to the store and bought several bottles of pills. I sat out in my car and swallowed countless aspirin, Tylenol p.m., and prescription diet pills.

Raymond called me at 8:30pm, which was about ten minutes after I took the pills. He had not been home long when he called. I did not want to run my cell phone bill up so I drove to a pay phone. We argued for a long time. Then at about 9:30 I started feeling the effect of the pills and I told him what I had done. He tried calling the police, but I would not let him. I told him if he did, I would leave the pay phone and go out in the country somewhere so they could not find me. After a lot of persuasion, as well as my own thoughts, I went to my mom’s apartment and drank some ipecac syrup. I wanted to see my sister graduate and my nephew’s first date among many other things. I did not want to leave the other people in my life. Raymond called me back on my cell phone about fifteen minutes later and we talked until 12:45a.m. I went back inside my mother’s and tried to sleep. I tossed and turned most of the night and when I did sleep, I was haunted by nightmares. I could not stand it anymore, so I got up and watched TV and read until time to go to work. I worked, and then occupied my mind by watching TV until he called me. We talked for hours again.

During the two weeks before he left, we talked to each other on the phone well over forty-five hours. Our relationship dominated most of the conversations, but some of the time we talked about other things. Sometimes I was able to accept that he was leaving and other times, I had to have answers that he couldn’t give me. I would usually cry at least once during every conversation. A few days before he left, he opened himself up to the possibility that he may be making an enormous mistake. He also told me that if he falls on his face he will come home, and that he might have convinced himself that he wasn’t in love with me anymore so it would be easier for him to leave. He did not want to close the door on us forever. I told him that I loved him so much I would probably take him back when he was ready for us to be together again. When I told him that, I had conditions in my mind. However, I did not tell him what they were. One condition was that he not get intimately involved with another girl, especially one of his ex-girlfriends. If that happens, I will never take him back and I will most likely cut off contact with him. He had planned on leaving June 22, but I had to work and then I had a psychology class. Consequently, he planned to stay one more day so we could have a proper goodbye. I had it all planned out. I wanted it to be special.

Things never turn out exactly the way they are planned, but we enjoyed the time we got to spend together. We met at Ron’s, my job, and talked in the parking lot for about an hour. We had been in that parking lot countless times during the span of our relationship. He admitted that he was still attracted to me and he does love me, but he still is not sure if he is in love with me. He talked me into going with him to pick up his graduation pictures. He graduated the night before from Platt College. The pictures turned out good, I wished I could have been there, but I had a test in Psychology that night. After that, we went to Woodward Park. It was a disappointment. Most of the roses were dead. The highlight of that visit was the squirrels. They were so tame that they were eating from Raymond’s hand. We talked a while, and then it started getting late. He drove me back to my car. Now it was time for the part I loathed for nearly two weeks. We stood there, looking at each other and trying to smile. We exchanged addresses and telephone numbers because we had promised to stay in touch.

He said,” I may be smiling on the outside, but inside I am torn up. My legs are trembling.”

We held each other. The finality of it all was beginning to sink in. I could not hold it any longer, and a few tears trickled down my cheeks. I kissed him on the cheek. I reached into my car and grabbed the key-shaped charm. I fiddled with it briefly. It was hard to look him in the eyes. I focused on the charm, until he realized what I had in my hand. He asked why I was playing with it, but I dodged the question. Then we held each other again. While he was holding me, he kissed my neck, then my cheek, then my forehead, and finally my lips. His kisses sent shivers up and down my spine and gave me goosebumps. I gave him back the charm. He put it in his wallet. Then we just stood there holding one another. All of a sudden, he said goodbye and walked to the van. He waved once he was buckled in. I felt the urge to burst into tears, but I did not. I got into my car and waited for him to pull out of the parking lot. We went opposite ways. He went to his mom’s house and I went to Felicia’s. He called me to promise that he would call when he arrived in Shreveport. I did not know if I should him or not. After all, the last promise he made was shattered into a billion pieces. However, he did call, and we intend on staying in touch.

Life is full of painful experiences, but if we learn and grow from those experiences, we become wiser and stronger. It can be difficult, but we have to let the pain go. Otherwise, it will fester inside until we become bitter and hateful. Regardless of what happens to us emotionally, we will survive. I am a better person because I loved Raymond. He taught me several things like: how to truly love another person and to trust them entirely, as well as the importance of intimacy. Our relationship may be over, but at one time, we did have love. We will always have our memories – the good as well as the bad. I am not completely over him. It is too soon to be over him. However, I am beginning to move on with my life. If we are actually meant to be together, we will cross paths again one day, only time will tell, but I am going to live my life to the fullest in the meantime. I will always love Raymond, but my happiness is not dependent on him, or anyone else.

On this day..