cool daddy-o

My Bucket List

After so many of my loved ones passing away over the past 2 1/2 years I updated the Bucket List I started when Pawpa was sick. A lot of the things I want to do before I die involve traveling. I hope to have the money to travel to all the places I want to go.

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2 Year Anniversary of Pawpa’s Passing

I still think of Pawpa at least a few times a day, especially this past week. I miss him something fierce. I regret not being there for him as much as I should have. I wonder what advice he would have to offer about the state of my life. I ask myself what Pawpa would want me to do.

I haven’t been to his gravesite since his burial. I’m ashamed, but I just haven’t been able to force myself to go. It would keep me from continuously pretending that Pawpa is still alive but away somewhere.

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Another Hiatus Over.

I figured it’s time to dust off the old blog and start writing again. The past 2-ish years have been emotionally exhausting. I’ve kept most of my feelings bottled up and kept my dark thoughts secret. I started my own home business. I made amends with Shawna and began rebuilding our friendship. My brother accepted me again. I lost and regained friendships. I made new friends. I lost 70lbs. I fell in love. I was loved. I sabotaged my relationship. My heart was shit on. The loss of my relationship with Pandabear was the worst lost since my beloved Pawpa’s death.  

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Depression 2012

Since Pawpa died my world spun so quickly, I was certain I was going to fall off and go hurling back into that black hole of depression; the one that is always threatening to make me hate everything, especially myself; the black hole which makes me wish death would put me out of my misery once and for all.

The hole was so deep I didn’t see how I would get out of it. I was trapped there for most of August((one of my shortest, but most intense, depressive episodes)). It was triggered by all the death, the loss of my job, the instability in my romantic life, my sister’s move to the east coast, and my being on the verge of financial ruin and homelessness once again. At one point, I had decided to give up and kill myself.

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11

Shoot Me Now

I’m used to January being a bittersweet month and I’ve come to expect February’s to hold some sort of devastation. However, February 2012 takes the cake, and that is no small feat considering Februarys past.

Within three weeks of Pawpa getting sick, he was gone; poof, just like that. We had little time to wrap our minds around his ultimate fate, much less accept it. Once hospice took over his care I knew it was just a matter of time, but I still hoped like hell that he would beat the odds. I tried to be there for him as much as I could in his last few weeks. How could I not? He was my Pawpa and I wanted to make sure that he knew how much I loved him. When I felt his last heartbeats and realized that he was gone, I wanted nothing more than to curl up next to him and take my last breaths as well.

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