Jul

2

I Failed the Tough-Love Method

Filed Under Bipolar Disorder, Family & Friends, Thoughts | Leave a Comment 

I have a tough exterior, but at heart I’m a sucker. I want to help people out as much as I can and I tend to empathize with them too much. Being that way has brought some satisfaction to my life, but it has gotten me screwed over quite a few times as well. Nevertheless, I am usually unable to say no, even when I know I should.

Case in point, my mother has done everything but shit on me and yet I still feel compelled to help her out. Until the past month, I had little to do with her since last year because she is so burdensome.

My grandpa kicked her out around the time my uncle reconciled with his girlfriend and moved out of my spare bedroom. She didn’t have anywhere to go and she asked me if she could stay at my house for awhile. I told her she could stay a few weeks despite the fact she had stolen my car the week before.

She lies to and steals from me to support which ever addiction (gambling, drugs, men, etc) is controlling her at any given moment. She has proven she can’t be trusted and she has steadily become more and more irresponsible.
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Jun

23

Recovery Is Still a Challenge

Filed Under Bipolar Disorder, My Episodes, Recovery, Thoughts | 1 Comment 

The aspect of recovery from mental illness that is most difficult for me is having the knowledge that relapse is not only possible, it is inevitable. It has made me damned near obsessive with self-awareness. Many , behaviors, and urges I have are automatic, but I find myself frequently questioning them shortly thereafter.

For instance, if I have the urge to exercise, I ask myself if it’s because an episode is in progress or impending, then other questions follow, such as: Is it because you’re manic and have too much energy? Is it because you want to lose weight? If so why do you want to lose weight? Are you ashamed of your body? Are you starting to hate yourself again?

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Jun

15

The Rules of Jen

Filed Under Flashbacks, Guys | 1 Comment 

I’ve been working hard the past couple weeks building a new website. It’s called Bipolar Lifestyle and it started out as the main page of this domain, but it grew and developed its own purpose. It’s not completed yet but it’s getting there. Check it out!

Anyway, I’ve been digging deep into the depths of long forgotten files on my computer looking for content ideas, plugins, code, and such. I stumbled on files from my very first domain and I found something within the files called “The Rules of Jen.” It was compiled by Simon Lamont, who happens to be a big fan of females named Jen or derivatives thereof. He called the essence Jens have  “Jenitude.” He used to have a website devoted to finding “Sites of Resplendent Jenitude” and my old site used to be one of them. Way back then, I was dating Erick and when he read the Rules of Jen he said, “Who the hell is Simon and how does he know you so well?!?”

I read this list again and got a good laugh, parts of it still ring true to me. I guess bipolar disorder hasn’t affected my “Jenitude”. The Rules of Jen follow:

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Jun

9

Not Giving Up the Single Life Yet

Filed Under Bipolar Disorder, Events, Guys, Relationships, Self-Injury, Thoughts | 3 Comments 

Unfortunately, seems to be just another asshole.  I had high hopes for the relationship, mostly because we seemed so in sync and we connected on so many different levels. However, my expectations and hopes have been dashed yet again.

I’m no fool when it comes to men and I can usually spot a jerk almost instantly whether they are undercover or not. Therefore, I am more than a bit surprised with the speed I let him into my inner world because I am usually on red-alert when it comes to attachment and trust. Nevertheless, he sneaked under the radar. He is quite charming, funny, witty, attractive, sensual, easy to talk to, and great in bed. I immediately recognized that he lacks consideration and thoughtfulness; however, I chalked it up flaws I could live with since he seemingly had so many other qualities that I value. Other baggage was present from the get-go, but the advantages of moving forward seemed to outweigh it at the time.

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May

21

On the Romantic Front

Filed Under Guys, Relationships, Thoughts | 4 Comments 

I’ve still been dating Greg a few times a month, but not having sex with him. I’ve also started getting closer to a couple more guys I’ve met recently. One was through some and the other one works with me. Things are still on the flirting level with the two new guys. Greg and I are in the comfort zone, and I’m not quite sure where things stand with Zane.

Things with Zane have cooled off a bit. We haven’t seen each other or spoken much the past two weeks because we have completely opposite schedules now. He’s only off on Tuesdays and the rest of the week he works 7pm - 4am. I’m off Friday and Saturdays, but 10:45am-7:30ish the rest of the week. When he’s off I’m at or sleeping and when I’m off he’s at or sleeping.

Zane also has a lot of challenges to deal with right now: this whole pre-divorce thing, trying to get back on his feet financially due to being out of for almost three months, and a moderately severe depressive episode. Apparently, he’s bipolar type 2. He was diagnosed after we lost touch before, I just found out a few weeks ago.

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