Feb

8

Happiness Has Abandoned Me Yet Again

Filed Under Events, Family & Friends, Guys, Relationships, Self-Injury, Thoughts | 3 Comments 

Life can still change with the blink of an eye. This time last week, I was happy, in love, and pregnant. Today I’m devastated, single, and not pregnant.

I just got home from seeing the doctor a little while ago because I woke up about 9:30 this morning with severe cramps and bleeding. I was under an extreme amount of stress due a situation I don’t want to discuss right now.

At first the doctor thought I was just having normal bleeding that happens sometimes early in pregnancy. She calculated the length of pregnancy by my last normal period and said I was almost 9 weeks pregnant. Then she said my due date was September 17th. After that she did an ultrasound and for a minute she had a very solemn look on her face before she said, “I’m sorry, sweetie, but you are having a miscarriage.” And then she showed me the shadow that had been my baby and I can’t even describe the pain I felt and still feel. The doctor had blood drawn to see if I’m anemic and to check my hcg level. She wants me to come back on the 11th to see if they will need to do a d&c.

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Jan

29

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2010-01-29

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  • cleaning house, doing laundry, and cooking dinner… hmm it must be suzy homemaker day #
  • done playing Suzy Homemaker… now we have to brave the weather to go to the store #

Jan

29

Update on Shawna the Abominable Cunt

Filed Under Events, Family & Friends, Relationships, Thoughts | 3 Comments 

All has been quiet on the Shawna front the past few months, since shortly after the protective order against her was granted. I’ve seen and talked to my brother a few times since then but haven’t heard a peep out of her and it hasn’t bothered me a bit. In fact, the only time I’ve even given her a thought is when someone else brings her up. Her absence from my life and the resulting peace has been great. Filing for the protective order was the best decision I could have made.

I’ve heard bits about her here and there, especially during the few weeks my mom stayed with them. The only new thing I heard was that her friend Lisa paid for the DNA test and that Aiden is David’s biological son. I didn’t believe it for a second though, and neither did anyone else in my family. After a couple weeks, Carah told me that Shawna had lied about the test being done. I wasn’t surprised a bit. Shawna is a pathological liar and has a hard time being honest about anything.

I hadn’t thought about her again until last week, when I had to give the family member she stirred so much shit up about a ride home from work. I had been around him a few times since the truth came out, but never alone, and we hadn’t talked about what happened between us so many years ago. Since we were alone he took the opportunity to broach the subject. It was highly uncomfortable, but after almost 2 hours straight of talking about it, we have come to terms with it again and we both have closure. Now our relationship can start to heal. I only hope his marriage can do the same, but she may have done irreparable damage to it by bringing up all that dead history.

I hadn’t thought about her again until last night, when I opened up an email from Lisa, one of her closest friends. I almost didn’t open the email because I didn’t want to get dragged into more drama with Shawna. Nevertheless, I opened the email and this is what it contained:

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Jan

22

Paul Passed a Major Test

Filed Under Events, Guys, Relationships, Thoughts | 6 Comments 

I’ve been feeling a bit off the past week or so. Paul officially moved in with me on New Year’s Day and I’m trying to adjust. I’ve never lived with a boyfriend. Raymond and I were inseparable and we always stayed together but that was either at my mom’s apartment or our friend’s house, we never had our own place.

I’m not one for lies and head games, I never have been, but I started pushing Paul, thinking about it now I realize that I was testing him, looking for any little thing to turn into a deal breaker, to see if he can put up with my shit. The things I found to blow up were legitimate concerns but they weren’t the enormous red flags I made them out to be. He didn’t have a chance. The one in me that prefers solitude and not risking my heart still has quite a hold over my actions and reactions. I don’t know why I expected all of my doubts and fears about love and relationships to evaporate. Obviously, all of them didn’t, but to my surprise and relief many of them are dying.

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Jan

15

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2010-01-15

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  • chillin with my man… he took the night off work :) #
  • I need to clean house and tackle the rest of my to-do list… searching for motivation…. hmmm, anyone seen my adderall? #